The Reluctant Red Nose

Here lately…I’ve been bothered by something…and I’ve remained silent…because that’s normally the best way for me to be….but there is this unrelenting burden that I just cannot seem to push down…it just keeps coming back…no matter how hard I try…some of this is review…some of it isn’t.

Many know how I grew up…in a very rigid, and strict environment. Many know that I went to a strict university, where that rigid environment continued….many know that I fell in love and was married to the man that I thought was my best friend….instead…I found out, he was very much into pornography…something he got into even more in college…and that he was having multiple affairs on me…I have been silent for many years on a few things…and now..:now I feel brave enough (or dumb enough to let it all out).

What many do not know….is that my first husband and myself were separated for over two years. We have a son together. That son is now 19….the very age these girls were that were involved with my husband. My husband was in a car accident where he was thrown from the car…and I was at the hospital when he died…he waited for me to say goodbye…and I let him go.

What many many do not know (and neither did I at the time) is the young lady having an affair with him was at the hospital, and the hospital was basically putting her needs over mine…letting her be with him in his last hours…even though I was sitting right outside the door. The local newspaper interviewed her, and how this affected her….I have never seen the article…just heard about it from friends.

The next evening, we were invited to a memorial service where my husband had been attending….and may I say this…we were not legally separated…or divorced…we were full on…married. The young ladies that had been in his life…were allowed to proclaim their love for him in front of the church, and me…in front of pastors, at a church…the very place that is supposed to revere marriage…I stood up and walked out..:I the wife, once again treated as if I’m the other woman.

His funeral was at my church, and I paid for it…well, I had to ask my dad to help me…since I had been raising a son by myself…my funds were not abundant. So, here comes these two girls…at my church, at my husbands funeral…came through the line…and thankfully…I was to tired to be myself. My friend tried to intervene, and asked them not to be there…asked my husbands family to not allow it…but they did….and there I sat..:what a happy family we all were.😡😡😡😡😡

I reached out later to the pastor of the church where my husband attended and asked why that was allowed…he told me to seek professional help.

I visited my husbands grave a lot that first year…and threw the roses from his lovers off his headstone…the headstone I paid for.

I eventually remarried…to an amazing man. One that loves me and adores me…we had another child together and he adopted my son. We have attended a few churches…and always the same results…women….are…mean.

I find myself tired…I say to myself…I will be quiet…won’t really say much…I will get involved and do things for the church…doesn’t matter…end result is the same…my good is now spoken as evil…my truths are turned into lies…my good deeds are now cast in a light I never understood…and I stand alone…confused…how can this be again?

I haven’t participated in helping in hardly any church activities since…I instead…go into the community….

Still…I hear murmurings…because women are mean. How dare we encourage people…how dare we say bravo to the lady that is succeeding. No one wants to be your cheerleader…they just want to push you down.

I have walked into rooms…and tried to carry on conversations, only to be ignored ….I’ve sat in services thinking if I try harder…and I just don’t care to try anymore.

My husband and I were sitting at a local restaurant. The bar was off to the side and over and over again, people would enter the room…and someone would say their name…and cheers would erupt. Can you even imagine if this is what would happen at church?

Instead…I can walk through the halls…where absolutely no one knows my name(they smile at me)….but no one knows me. I don’t know them either…so it’s the same both ways…I sit in my seat…listen as others greet each other…discuss the weather. I worship with them…take communion with them…and raise my hands in praise to the ONE who has made me whole. I leave the church and I go home…I have a handful of people that on occasion, I see at church…and say hello. My church is large…there are a lot of people who have come to this church with stories just like mine…it was never lost on me that the name of this church is…Grace. That word…grace…never spoken frequently where I was raised…but I embraced it fully after I realized that is what He wanted me to see.

I am broken…but not in this elaborate story of drugs and alcohol…a life led uncontrollably. No, I followed the rules…and then…even though I followed the rules…my life went out of control…then..when I thought that many would surround me in the name of Jesus…I found that I was alone…except a few people..that held out a hand to me…to keep me from drowning.

My support group is very small…and I rarely share my darkest fears to anyone…I no longer require a girl night out…nor do I care to tell you all my hurts and frustrations. I’m tired of things I have asked to be kept in secret are used against me…

I don’t want to do “secret sister” or girl campouts. I don’t want to come to Bible Study or craft night…..because it’s always a big group…and a few people always dominant it…then they start talking about their horrible husband or their ridiculous children…and I’m just tired.

I don’t want to hold your baby(Not because I don’t love them…I’m just tired in my soul) ……I assure you, I know this is horrible…but I just don’t have the strength…

To be honest, I would be all about the massage and quiet pedicure party….where wine was served (I would only drink three sips though because I can’t tolerate anymore). I’m all about fleece everything…and a facial would be heaven…again…quiet though. I find myself just wanting a big nap…no conversations, and I don’t want to fix any problems, or clean anything else. I don’t want to help you find something, give you and advil or help you find a tissue. I don’t want to answer questions about what I was supposed to remind you about…get yourself an Alexa. I…..AM…..OVER….IT….sincerely…ME

I have nothing else to prove, no one to impress….and I’m tired of explaining g myself.

We as women have drawn the lines in the sand…if your more successful than me…I’m not your friend. If you don’t agree with me…I’m not your friend. If your diamond is bigger….I am not your friend. If you vaccinate…or don’t vaccinate…I’m not your friend. I won’t cheer you on when you succeed…instead I will tell lies about you…because I want to shatter your reputation. No matter what good you do, I will always question your motive…and I will make sure that everyone else does to…

Are we really surprised that so many had just rather stay at home…I mean….why not???

Where are you from? Where do your kids go to school? Did you stay st home? Do you work? All of these things matter…and then none of these things do…

I know I need to get up and try again….but it’s warm here with my blanket…and it’s safe…and it’s where I want to stay!

I read an article the other day, stating that all women should go out with their girlfriends twice a week. As I read that I laughed. Like who has that kind of time…the only reason I get to go out with my husband once a week is because we work together and we happen to own the business…so Thursday Night is normally date night!❤️❤️❤️

Then, I started reading the comments for the article…and I got really….really depressed. Most of the women agreed with me…that that was excessive…and lives are just to busy…but the majority of the read was women who said…they had no friends☹️.

I’ve said this a million times…and I include myself…I’m not for one second…stating I’m any better. I’m trying to make appointments with two friends right now for breakfast on a Saturday and so far…both of us are booked until March? How is that even possible? Then I realized, I’m one of the lucky ones…I at least have people that I call my friend (and I hope they do me, or why are we going to lunch?)

If your a Mom in your 40s….your over it. You have gone to the mommy and me classes, the school Mom, the soccer Mom, the dance mom, the swim Mom, the Scout Mom, the private school, the public school, the homeschool Mom (and I have been all these things) your just done.

For starters, I gave my kids goldfish crackers, we occasionally went to McDonalds but I preferred Chic Fil A. We are not involved in any sport right now with balls and I canNOT even tell you how happy that makes me. We use EO but my kids are all vaccinated. We go to a massage therapist, a natural chiropractor and a MD….you could say I dabble in all sorts of things and I’m good with that. I also breast fed my children but not for a whole year…not one of them…one of them had terrible allergies but grew out of all of them at age 9…the other one has to get an allergy shot every year in the spring. He also doesn’t do well with a lot of dairy. I’m sure it’s all my fault. I breast fed in private, not out in front of the whole world…that’s just me…but do what you want…but some of you are out of control. I also didn’t enjoy it…my kids were both noisy and loud…and it was painful…and I endured it…but it was not at all this amazing experience. I found that when they had a bottle and their bellies were full and they were not gassy, is when both of my babies were the happiest. I also didn’t “wear” my baby…but no one did…so this was completely new to me.

We don’t eat a lot of red meat…I prefer turkey or chicken…but I did just purchase half a cow that I will then split with my parents and we will probably make that last over a year. We try to eat healthy and I even drink Kombucha, but there is pop in our house for Friday nights and ice cream to. I use natural cleaners in my house…but during flu season I do enjoy a Clorox wipe. I’m a hand sanitizer crazy person and I will spray your kids down if they are with me for the day. I do shop at Target, I detest Walmart and convulse if I have to go there (unless my husband is with me then I behave). I now shop online and do pickup at any store that offers it…because I’m trying to not buy things on impulse and I don’t want to hear your child scream, or watch you pay for things with a million coupons or gift cards.

I also allow my children to watch and read Harry Potter…and I used to be uptight about it…and then…I just wasn’t anymore.

My point??? Because I’m pretty sure that when several of you read my thoughts on how I raised my children…you all had your ideas on what I did wrong and what I did right…the difference with me??? At 44, I really truly do not care anymore….but that’s exactly why most of us find ourselves without friends.

There used to be some girls that would watch my stories on Instagram…but they didn’t follow me…they would purposely watch what I was doing so that they could make fun of me? Why waste your time? Why? But it happens everyday….everywhere….and we as women…just keep pulling into our garages, closing the door and pulling the shades.

We post pictures of our trips…and we are met with comments of…”It must be nice” said so hatefully that you want to just hit delete. You get a new car…and people comment how they wish they could afford that. You move into a new house…and people want to know who your stealing from.😱

Every time I post a picture…I wonder how it’s going to be taken. When I tweet, post something on Facebook….hardly use snapchat anymore… and some days…I will delete all Instagram stories. Some days I unfollow accounts with people who are gorgeous…why? I can’t follow an account with beautiful people…because they makes me ugly or something?

Why do we as women sit around and speak so hatefully of each other . Recently, my son got a position at the university he attends. Most people were very sweet and knew how grateful we were for it because it would eliminate a great deal of financial worry…but the parents started rolling in comments about the kids who had received these positions….it was because all these kids knew someone important they said…or were wealthy, or had some special kickback…I assure you, we have none of those things.

Until we as women…put our claws back where they came from…nothing is ever going to change…we are never going to be able to enjoy the company of one another…because we are so busy talking about each other.

Why can’t we support one another? Be happy for another’s success? Encourage a new mom instead of giving her the gory details of childbirth…she will get through it just like we did…just nod at her…and tel her how amazing holding your baby was for the first time…leave all that other crap out…she will know soon enough all about it.

For those of you who enjoy going into other peoples social media and making fun of people…can I just say…first of all…how much time do you have on your hands? Second, perhaps you should look into doing something useful…instead of something hateful . We as women are amazing people…let’s encourage one another to be amazing…and clap for those who actually do them!

I had a list of the perfect mate when I was in college…every man I dated I would compare to that list. My first husband, was every single thing on that list…so I thought.

I grew up a lot, learned a lot about myself…and can truly say that I wasn’t perfect either. God had other plans…and He gave me a second chance at a beautiful life.

In my head, I had an idea of what perfect love looked like…but learned quickly…that isn’t reality.

Your husband should be someone your attracted to yes…someone who makes you blush…but that shouldn’t be his highest quality.

You want someone…who will kill the mouse and not make you see his gross little body. You want someone who will bring you coffee in the morning, because he knows your not a morning person. You want someone who will send you flowers for no reason, except to say he loves you. You want someone who will see your stomach expand to a size that you didn’t think possible, because your carrying his child….and he still says your beautiful…even though you feel like a beached whale. You want someone who can lead a hamster funeral, because your crying just as hard as your little daughter and are not able to find any words of comfort. You want someone, who at a Spiderman movie can cover all three of your kids eyes, because they are all screaming, including you.

He needs to fight for you, he needs to encourage you. He needs to make you feel that you can accomplish anything. He needs to be your cheerleader, and someone that you can just cry on his shoulder. He needs to take your breath away from across the room…and make you feel like your amazing and can do things that you never thought possible. Someone who encourages you to do what your good at, even when everyone else thinks it’s the weirdest thing they ever heard of.

You need someone who knows your secrets and keeps them, someone who you can just voice your concerns and not be judged. Someone who knows you have a horrible cold and look horrible, but he rubs your feet and tells you he loves you.

For my husbands birthday…he’s been known to give me gifts…really really great gifts. He has never missed an anniversary or special holiday…he has spoiled me above measure.

He even surprised me and bought me the car that I was wanting…had it in our garage!

Marriage is work…we fight…we have disagreements. He gets in bad moods and so do I. We miscommunicate…..we disagree….we’ve gone to marriage conselling…we’ve almost thrown in the towel….but I can honestly tell you…there’s no one else I’d rather be with.

He gets me…and I’m complicated 😬. I get him, and he’s complicated.

Marriage is not always pretty…sometimes, you put stuff up that he should have. Sometimes, I don’t put his tools back where they belong, or I forget to get him something he wanted at the grocery store. You name it…there are annoyances on both sides.

Don’t keep score in your marriage, don’t correct each other’s children if there are step children involved (stay out of it). Don’t go and bad mouth your spouse to all your friends, even if he’s being a boob.

Let him know the decisions your making, get his advice and opinion on things that go on in your house (I don’t call my husband on what candle or detergent I use) but things that matter…consult him.

I believe we as women, have turned men into these “stupid creatures” that we feel we have to have to make life go round…but we could really live without them. We put them down, act like they have no brains. We treat them as if hunting or fishing or whatever are ridiculous hobbies. They are not…my husband wants a sailboat…has forever….and this year…I hope to make that happen for him….that’s marriage…constantly trying to build your spouse up…constantly striving to make their life better.

I love my children more than I thought possible…but I love my husband…and he will be the one with me long after my children have flown the nest. Are you strangers with your husband because you have become so consumed in your children’s activities?

Are you two passing ships in the night because your schedules are so vastly different? Why? Change it!

I can say to you…that we are coming up on sixteen years of marriage…and I love him more with each passing year….we are not bored in our marriage..and for that I’m grateful.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Go live and ❤️ your husband, go make it work…it’s hard work….but so worth it!

Do you ever feel that God is trying to tell you something loud and clear? Do you ever feel like your just half listening? Then, every movie…every show…every book…everywhere….the same message keeps coming through?

Lately, that’s been my experience…and I keep wanting to say…I hear you….I really do. It’s been my experience, that when God has a awesome and exciting job for you to do…that Satan does whatever he can to discourage it. If it’s not sickness, it’s weather…if it’s not weather it’s a car breaking down…or forgetting something important that you meant to bring…and you just have to go with Plan B.

Have you ever heard the song “Different” by Micah Tyler? When I die…that’s the song I want played…I know that sounds morbid…but I really do.

“I can’t waste a day, I can’t stay the same. I want to be different, I want to be changed, so that all of me is gone, and all that remains is a fire so bright the whole world can see…that there’s something different in me.”

What are we doing in this world? We medicate ourselves…we drive into our garages, we close the doors…we watch tv, we get sucked into Instagram. We nurse our hurts, we build walls, we fear the people that hurt us will do so again…and just so you know…I’m standing right here with you…this is me.

What if we knock down the walls? What if we change our game up? What if instead of talking about what is wrong with our communities…we rolled up our sleeves and invested in it.

You know why I clown? It’s not comfortable…people think I’m crazy…but I believe that there is a small part of my world that is better off for what I’m doing. I had a son come up to me that thanked me for what we did each month…a resident himself and several others, have cried when we left…until we promised we would be back. I have had ladies with bald heads tell me how horrible their cancer treatments are…you know why? Because even with their bald heads…they don’t look as silly as me. I’ve played with children who have backgrounds most of us can’t imagine…I’ve played action songs with the mentally challenged that even got their caregivers to dance and laugh. I’ve danced with people who have a hard time speaking ….but laughter is the best language. Do I tel you this because I’m amazing??? Hardly….sometimes…they don’t laugh at my jokes…they tell me to go away.::the residents we want to visit don’t want to come out…sometimes we cry because someone we knew and lived has gone. Sometimes…the caregivers don’t want us and run away..:sometimes I get asked why I’m a clown and can I go scare someone.:::but I don’t do it for them…I do it for the ones that dance with me…that laugh with me.

Today…my husband came home with a small gift from a lady I have known for years…she saw something in a store and she said that she knew I had to have it. Did she know my heart needed that? I doubt it…she probably just thought it was a simple gesture…but it meant the world to me.

We all have some talent…we all have investments to make in someone’s life. I don’t mean just go volunteer…I mean…learn their names…have a conversation…get outside of yourself. Whatever it takes to get you to move..:for me….as soon as that clown nose goes on…I’m a different person.

Does that mean you have to be a ridiculous clown like me? Nope…there’s groups that need your help. Children with no fathers…or mothers. Babies that need to be held. Cancer patients that need to be encouraged, lonely people that need someone to talk to..:.and can I just say…I never feel that I’m the one that gives them the gift..:they give me a gift every time. They encourage me always:..they shine the light on me.

I feel something changing….something good….and I’m a little scared…but really excited.::are you ready?

Are you ready to be different?

We just returned from a lovely trip in Arizona. My husband and I have been battling colds and upon return to our beautiful state…of 5 degrees 😱 I am now even sicker.

However, our time there was wonderful. Sometimes, I feel that we as people get comfortable where we live. We need to get out…visit other cultures, see how other people live. In our industry, I hardly speak to anyone that is just like me…Which is why I like our industry so much…I’m constantly learning.

The gem show we attended is the second largest in the world. The particular two we go to are not open to the public…and we live the amazing pieces we can get for our customers. This year, I got to dabble with a few new gems…and I can’t wait to see what designs my husband comes up with for them.

I also dabbled in some coral….

I was fascinated as always, by the sapphires and rubies and aquamarine we were able to purchase…beautiful boulder opals

We also enjoyed talking about gems to professionals and learning even more…it’s such a fascinating industry. I’m on my fourth class with GIA and the more I learn, the more I can’t wait to learn.

We also enjoyed the beauty of Tucson

The food of Tucson

And of course the show:

Until next year….❤️🌵❤️🌵❤️🌵🌵🌵🌵

Well…it appears we all survived. Here in my part of the country…the coldest it got was -18 windchill…and yes that’s cold…brutally cold…but we seriously made it, just like I knew we would.

In 2000, we had an ice storm…many of us had no power…we had to do the garage doors by hand (it was an outrage) I stayed at my parents house:..we ate food on a hot plate, they had gas water heater so I still had hot baths. We had a kerosene heater and a fireplace. During the day, I went to work…charged my phone…took my curling iron in to work. None of us even thought to not come in…this went on for a week.

In 2007, we had another ice storm…lost power for five days…had to go stay with my brother n law. Kids missed school for one day….and then they went back…it was brutal for me because I had a nine month old…and it was Christmas time…but we all managed to make it.

In 2019….with absolutely no one where I live even losing power…we have turned a winter, into the history of the biggest whiners ever.

We live in the Midwest…not Florida. If we lived in Florida, I would understand the outrage. Here in the Midwest we have four seasons…and summer I hate most of all with its boiling temperatures…and trust me, I complain….but I feel we have now taken it to a new level.

When we actually start petitions, because our grown children are asked to go to school…I ask myself (hmmm….would I want these kids working for me? Or even their parents). Not ONE of my employees missed work or was even late…not ONE. I don’t know many businesses that closed…my mail lady still even showed up (I could have waited for my bills no worries). My UPS packages still arrived, banks were still open, grocery stores. Pretty sure the hospital didn’t close…but kids across our nation…were told that going to class was too big of a hardship. Instead, they spent the afternoon downtown…food places and bars were having specials…the same kids whose parents were fighting for their “right” to stay in the warmth…were out in it anyway…

I honestly don’t know who to be more upset with. So many say that they won’t hire millinials…but honestly, I’ve had just as bad of luck with women my age or older.

What kind of an example are we setting for our kids if when things go wrong…or not the way we want them, we demand them to change the rules. If my daughter didn’t make cheer, we whine…and now we won’t make the girls on the squads do splits or cartwheels, or difficult jumps…because it “excludes” others.

Are we for real? Why don’t we get rid of the olympics (my kid doesn’t have a gold medal…so why should yours😡😡😡) my kid doesn’t play NFL football, or professional baseball…or whatever you want to full in the blank with.

Why is it wrong to reach for excellence? Why do we have to apologize, if our kid gets a position they worked hard for…and others that don’t get it…fight back with how a kid looks, or why their kid was better suited for the position….instead of congrats…and MOVE on! Am I the only parent throwing participation ribbons away!?

Why is it wrong to teach our kids to work hard…to plan ahead, dress appropriately and plow through difficulties(like cold temperatures)? Why are we now bad parents who actually have their kids call doctors for themselves and hair cutters? To pay their bills, and wash their clothes. To drive crappy cars and pay for their cell phones. To learn how to make grill cheese with their irons (ask me, I’m a freaking expert). To learn how to eat ramen when there is nothing left to eat and microwave popcorn. To do without a soda and drink from a fountain (do they have those anymore) do they even know what suffering is??? Suffering isn’t not being able to have a Starbucks a day…or not being able to buy $300 pair of shoes…that’s your idea of suffering…you need to do some serious charity work.

I think we all need to drag ourselves away from the television…where the hating, and mass hysteria seem to be the only language they speak. Put our phones down, have real conversations. Quit interfering with our adult children’s lives…and let them figure it out.

I think this generation is stronger than we care to admit…if we could just learn to let go..and let them lead…we might just be surprised what they come up with!

I think I have discovered why I love winter so much…I believe I’m becoming more and more and more of an introvert.

I know that when people hear that they think I’m joking…and I believe that I used to think it was a joke as well…but the older I become, the more that I feel that way.

I drop my daughter off at lessons or a class she wants to take…and I wait in the car and get all sorts of work done that needs to get done…but I see other women coming around each other and talking and sharing….and somedays it looks like a really fun time…and other days….it just makes me tired.

I guess you could say, it started with my first group of homeschool moms…nothing bad happened….our kids got older…others graduated…they were done homeschooling…and the group dissolved…never to be seen of again….and I think that’s what’s happened to me over and over and I don’t think I’m alone.

When I lived in my childhood city, I knew everyone and had since we were very little. We did and can, to this day, catch up exactly where we left off and it doesn’t feel wrong at all.

When I moved here to the city that I have called home, for close to 16 years…I was the new kid…not from here…and that can be very bad. A small town is not as forgiving as a big city.

I would go to groups and chat, because my daughter was very young…and many of them had children the same age. So, we talked, became friends etc.

Now, my daughter is older…her tastes have changed, her friends have changed. We found out she isn’t a dance girl, or a ball sports girl…so that takee us out of a lot of categories. She loves swimming, horses and art…and well…

That kind of takes us out of a lot of activities.

The point I’m trying to make, but poorly…is I’m in a transition.

I have three adult children with completely different needs. I have an 11 year old. I don’t do snack time, playtime, or nap time. I don’t do a lot of things that the moms that I hang around do. I haven’t had to give a child a bath in my house in about six years..I haven’t had to cut up food in that time. I haven’t had to make a lunch in that time…but I have had to deal with scarier things.

I’ve had to deal with issues with cell phones. Getting a call that a child has had a wreck and it’s their fault. I’ve had to deal with tearful choices as they decided what college to attend. I’ve had to deal with not losing it during high school graduation, and college graduation….and I’ve even held it together during a time when a girl broke my sons heart…and several other you g men at the same time, if you catch my drift.

I find that the teen, and college years are the most important…but the loneliest. We no longer have to sit and watch our children during to many practices…and honestly…I don’t have to many years left before she’s driving….so I guess I don’t feel like making the “investment”.

I just need to get my work done, and attend what needs to be attended and then…it’s time to go home…and I guess that’s really weird for me.

I looked at my dishes that I have always used for Christmas…and our families no longer come over for Christmas Day because they have all grown so much that we all celebrate separately. So, I’m looking at these dishes thinking that getting rid of them is the best idea…and it made me sad…

I looked at my large dining room table…that can easily and happily seat 10…and I realized… perhaps I should sell that as well…we just normally have The six of us for dinner…so why am I keeping all of these dishes?

I’ve gotten rid of party supplies…kids for the most part are gone….spread out all over…not coming back for a little party.

Friends have changed, family has changed…people don’t get together as often as they once did…and when they do it’s to go visit or be with their adult children…we do the same, so I understand it.

No one really prepares you for the beginning stages of empty nesting…how your tastes change, your ideas of fun change…everything changes.

I find, staying away from people keeps me out of trouble…my mouth staying closed is usually the best…some people don’t know how to take me…and I can come across much more harsh than I want to.

I guess you could say I’ve put myself in a corner…but honestly…I’m not entirely upset being there…and perhaps that’s the saddest part of all.

I frankly, am exhausted after clowning or participating in activities that require a lot of my personality being big and huge and animated …and I frankly:..am ready to be done. It’s something that I just thought was me…until I started talking to more people who do what I do…and I realized it’s common.

I don’t say that to make me sound like I’m important…but the career that I have outside of my home is two fold…one is very serious…and the other is as far from serious as you could ever be…but the two extremes exhaust me. Throw in my other responsibilities….and you have an exhausted, middle age Mamma…and I don’t really know what the answer is.

Social media has been a great place to share ideas and stories (Instagram) been a great place to blow off steam (twitter) a great place to show the little things that excite us (Snapchat) how we plan on decorating, cooking, throwing a party (Pinterest) all our family’s accomplishments(Facebook) but how well do we really know each other…how often do we come behind our screens and feel safe in sharing our hurts and burdens with another. How often can we just say that something stinks…without being judged for it? Can we share we are having a bad day? That someone was mean to us? That we were mean to someone else? Can we have an opinion that is different? Can we say something still holding to our opinion without it being made out to be hate speech? Can we honestly say we say things in social media that we would actually say out loud?

The answer to most of those questions is no…and I’m not throwing stones…I myself, am very guilty.

In the world of social media I feel completely and totally invisible. My social feeds, my blogs. I even had my son giggle at me that he had more followers than me…and I laughed…because of course he does…why would a ton of people follow me? What do I offer to the world that no one else does? Well, we all have to fill in the blanks to what we can think those answers are…

Mostly though…how many more blogs can we all read? How many more accounts can we all follow? How much more impressive do our projects and pictures and houses  possibly be? We are turning into carbon copies of one another…where our feeds even look the same…I’m beginning to unfollow several people and just hold on to the ones  that truly inspire each day…but it’s so hard.

I’m committed for this year to write as often as I can….and if I get at least a few people each time, telling me that they like what I’m writing….then I will keep on. As pathetic as my little Instagram is…I still get people telling me they enjoy my stories…so for all five of you 😬😬😬😬 I press on.

I can look at so many amazing people and instantly feel stuck…or want to hit the delete button…or I can just keep plugging away…doing what I do because I know I’m making a difference somehow, someway…for someone…and as long as I’m doing that…I’m going to keep going.

So press on friend….we are all in this together!

Enjoy new plants and awesome pillows…and stay warm tomorrow!!!

I’ve decided to have a couple of blog posts based on questions that I have been asked about after my blog post last week on being a step Mom.

I first of all, want to make it clear…that I’m a very slow learner…but there are some things that we learned that we wished we would have known earlier.

We had very young children going into this..we had a 3 yr old, a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old. We were dealing with a Mom, Dad, stepmom and stepdad, and stepbrothers on two sides…it was crazy!!!

The most important lesson I can tell you is…when you find yourself about to lose your mind about the socks…it’s normally not just about the socks….but we turn it into that…because that’s all we can control.

Our schedule was insane and frankly, I don’t know why the judge ever agreed to it. The girls were with us every Monday night…but had to be back at their Moms by 9 pm every OTHER Monday night. The girls were with us every Thursday night. They were with us every OTHER Friday night…but had to be at their Mothers house by 10. They were with us every OTHER Saturday night (we got them at 4, and then they had to be back at their Mothers by 6 or 8??? I really can’t remember that one for sure…so it was nuts for sure.

So, there was no way for clothes to just be left at our house. We tried sending a laundry bag, where the girls would just put their dirty clothes from our house into the bag…but their mother wouldn’t allow that. I had dress shoes at our house and they were not allowed to go to their mothers because we never got them back…sometimes my husband would let them take them…and as they got older they would sometimes remember to bring them back. Nice dresses were not allowed out of our house whenever possible. When the girls were old enough we just reminded them to get them back to our house without any washing.

Winter coats were lost at their mothers every year. I finally just bought them on sale the previous winter and would size up. Socks were another big issue…I finally just started buying a new sock each month. The girls needed socks and yelling about it wasn’t helpful…but I promise you…I did yell about it.

In looking back at it…I just became a smart shopper.::buying things on clearance as much as possible…because I knew it would be lost or shrunk…and honestly when the girls got older we gave them a clothing allowance. This would cover their clothes and shoes and undergarments. Since they knew how much everything was…they would start bringing their laundry to my house to be washed…as they started driving..they would get ready at our house…and a lot of these issues went away by themselves.

Now as adults they have their own houses…and for Christmas each year, they still get socks and underwear in their stockings and probably will until the end of time.

I know dear stepmom, that this feels endless. That this feels as if it will never end…and this Thorn in the flesh will never subside…but it will. It really will.

The arguments about socks and underwear and ruined dresses and lost coats..arguments about child support AND now having to buy these things again….I promise you, I’ve had them. In the end…you may be soo right…but the children still need a warm coat and they still need socks and underwear…and we still need responsible parents.

Don’t stand there in front of your stepchildren and say things about their birth parent to them that is unfavorable. If you want to scream to your husband that you just bought socks two weeks ago and they are all gone…well I don’t recommend it…but it’s better than yelling at the children.

Let your husband have the conversation with the other parent…stay out of it , no matter what. Getting involved will not help your husband…and after he gets off the phone with the other parent…it’s best for you to not ask questions…not engage…not nag for him to hear yet again…leave….it….alone. If you have to…go for a run…or whatever…but remember it is never just about the socks.

Have a great day! Remember, I’m pulling for ya!

The last three years have been difficult for our family….and here lately….the tide seems to be turning.

My son was just given a job for next year at his university, that will completely pay for his room and board. It was definitely a huge answer to prayer.

What struck me as odd…or perhaps…suprising…was my shock, that something good really was happening.

I think that many of us get so bogged down with life…so many bad things happen on a daily basis,  that when something good happens we doubt we deserve it. There are days that I just know if they were filming my life, that people would just be in shock that what was happening, was really happening.  If your like me…I just stuff it.  I just keep stuffing it, hoping that indeed someday things will change.

If right now…you were given the opportunity to do what would make you the happiest what would it be? For me…it would be less busy….time to do what I do do, well…and accomplish the goals I have set before me.  Sometimes, we feel guilty, because our kids aren’t involved in several activities…and if we are home at night..it feels strange…like we haven’t earned our way in the world for the day.

There are always busy times of life.  During major holidays, I am very busy at our store.  During the spring and summer my daughter has activities that she’s involved with that take us away from our home each and every day….but those activities are six weeks…and then we are done.

For the new year….I’ve increased what I did the year previous….we can always say…I’m gonna do less…not commit to as much…show more discipline with shopping…all these things are GREAT things…but if we don’t have a plan…we often go right back to where we were.

I now shop and pickup my groceries, my Target, and of course Amazon orders.  I got rid of credit cards that I barely shop at…(none of them carry a balance, but I just used them for the extra points). I visit a few select stores…and that is it. I make out my schedule for clowning….and if one month has holidays in it…then I will make the next month with less activity since normally I probably clowned quite a bit for the holiday.

This semester for my daughter for classes, we did ONE coop, and the other group we belong to, we did ONE class…opting for an online class that she is absolutely enjoying.

I have cleared just about as much as I can clear from surfaces….and have allowed puzzles to be worked on for days…out in the open….and painting classes to have a permanent home in my dining room.

I have days where certain cleaning chores are done..clearing up valuable time for study for a class that I want to have done by summer. I have started doing yoga…something that I’m striving so hard to make a routine….and drinking more water.

I truly want to make our home someplace that is comfortable…not museum worthy…but not a pit either….because I can’t function in filth at all! I can’t function in mess!

I’ve taken to make places that I do a lot of work in as cute as possible.

I purchase things that I love…not just a good deal. I’ve become pickier with what comes into my house.

I drop off stuff each month at the thrift store…clothes my daughter outgrows, stuff we aren’t using…it’s amazing what we can accumulate so quickly.

I shop at Grove Collaborative for cleaning supplies which has given me unique ideas on how to save water and use products that are better for our family.

I have taken a space that we didn’t use much and completely purged it and made it my office/guest room and I am loving it!

Most of these projects didn’t cost much or if anything….it was just basically looking at the spaces and seeing how they could better be used. Getting rid of the extra and bringing in what I really wanted…instead of what cost less…and in the end…I found out what makes me happy…especially in the winter…is plants…and lots of them!

Enjoy friends…whatever you need to do to make your way this winter seem brighter!!! The sun will shine…dreams do come true…prayers do get answered!!!

Lately, I’ve had a few people ask me advice about being a stepmom. First of all, may I say…I’m probably a good candidate for what NOT to do. Second, may I say that as a new stepmom…you should accept zero advice from those who have NEVER been one. This is a whole new ballgame…this is something that you have to live it to speak it…and no one can speak it besides those who have done it.

Now, let’s first get one thing out of the way…I am a stepmom by no fault of my own…my husband was a single dad by no fault of his own….so those that tell you divorce is wrong and shouldn’t be done…everyone who has had a divorce, or been the victim of one…understands this…believes this. If you want to throw stones at divorced people, or whatever you would like to do…this is not the blog post to do it at!!!

I married my husband when I was 29 years old. I had just buried a husband the year previous who I had been separated from, for over two years. I brought a getting ready to turn three year old boy to the mix…who was trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. My husband had been divorced for five years when we married and brought two girls 9 and 7 into the mix…and they were trying to figure out how I fit into this game that we all seemed to be forced in.

Here’s what NOT to do:

1. Move into a house that either spouse lived in…and merge your household together.

This just has bad idea written all over it. I came i to my husbands house…and since it was a bachelor pad…I came in with paint, and furniture from my house…while his went to the basement or was sold. The house the girls had lived in with him all this time, that they had helped decorate…I basically said…it’s not good enough and I’m changing everything!!!

2. We did home improvements in this house the first month of marriage.

We were turning a two bedroom house into a three bedroom house…with our master bed and bath being downstairs and nice and spacious….sounds like a great idea??? Oh, except the job was behind…and for the first month as a married couple…I’m sleeping in a bunk bed 😬😬😬😬.

3. I corrected the girls…

Bad Bad Bad Bad idea. The Dad should be in charge of discipline NOT the stepmom. I don’t care if the child is screaming at you…let the dad deal with it…not you. Don’t correct chores done badly, clothing, hair or makeup, cell phone…not finishing dinner. Room a mess…nothing. Don’t point it out to your husband…don’t wait for him to get home and have a list of things his children did that upset you…or was disrespectful….nothing…absolutely nothing. He will feel that he’s choosing between you and his daughters….and you don’t want him to ever feel that way.

4. Tell your birth child how your husbands children are disrespectful.

Talk about taking sides…It is difficult that the child that lives at the home full time has a different set of rules than the one that goes back and forth…but consistency is key. It’s hard to do because in our family, the visitation schedule was strange and sleepovers with friends couldn’t happen because of the time with one another was small..so synchronizing everyone’s schedule was difficult. Most important, if you want a family to blend, creating sides is the worst way to do it.

All the kids were invited to parties…and it was hard to get that coordinated and still let the parent have the time they were supposed to have…and normally…my husband was the one that lost.

5. Holidays—

Holidays just stink….some years you get lucky….and some years are just difficult.

Don’t ask your children what they got at the other house…don’t ask what they ate or details of who was there. If there was a boyfriend or girlfriend there. Don’t ask them why they are late. Or that “dinner was warm but now it’s not”…all because…of something they couldn’t control. We make the child or children feel that neither place is safe…everyone’s mad no matter what they do. They can’t win…they lose no matter what they do. Can you even imagine?

6. Vacations

Oh these were fun…getting to agree on when and how long…who would go first. Getting mad if you were late returning the kids (even though there were flight delays or accidents on the highway) making your joyous vacation a rush to get back when you said you would. I’m so glad those days are behind us and they are all grown. We now announce the vacation when it is and where and they come if they can or want to.

7. Birthdays

One year one of my stepdaughters had four birthday parties😱. I mean, there could be worse things right??? Seriously though…birthdays are hard…and due to their mother, we had to be very creative. She insisted she have the birthday parties for friends…and my husband got very creative…and I was so super supportive 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ (oh if only)

So what we did was invent the Fall Party. Where they invited their friends over and we dressed up…had great food and it was a time that they looked forward to each and every year. It also marks the time in my life where my youngest stepdaughter caused a change in me that was beyond life changing. I was known to be super stuffy, never dressing up…and I told them they could choose what I dressed up as…and the rest is history…they chose….

And I’ve never looked back since.

8. Socks and shoes and coats

Oh, if only I had money back for all the socks and shoes and coats that went missing. I finally just bought coats every winter on clearance for the following year…and bought socks every month. I never allowed dress shoes to go to their mothers, because we never would get them back….but it was so hard…beautiful dresses would return to me in ruins….and I had two choices…and I bet you can’t guess what I chose can you!!!!??? Stepmother….oh my gosh it’s irritating….but clothes can be replaced….but not their feelings…it’s not about the socks…or the coats…or the stupid shoes…and yes…you pay child support…but someday when they leave home…this will be the one thing that you ALL laugh about it….and it really is…we STILL to this day…laugh about it. Because there is someone somewhere with lots of socks and coats galore!!!!

My stepdaughters are grown…they come as they please. Holidays are still difficult as they are wanted in two different places. We try to make an effort to be easy going and let what happens happen…to be flexible..:easygoing…and learn how to warm food back up. My biggest prayer for myself in the past year…is to make them feel as comfortable as possible. To make my husband feel that he doesn’t have to choose.

Oh stepmom, my hardest moment was when my eldest stepdaughter crossed the stage with the highest honors at her college graduation. I was taping it so I could hear them announce her name with the honor, I had the huge lens taking her picture as she crossed the stage…and crying as she did…because I had watched her grow up from a nine year old to now and adult…and how hard she worked…and after…I took pictures of her with her Mom and Dad…and waited to be invited in…and it was so so hard…but the moment belonged to her parents. It belonged to the three of them…and that’s the hard part of being a step mom. You do a lot of work…you worry, you pray….but you will never receive the glory…ever. You have to be ok with that…you have to have people that you can scream that to (not your husband) he already had to deal with enough crazy. I have two people that I confide in…and sometimes scream my annoyances at…and they are great listeners…and you need that…but they hardly ever give advice…because they have never been in that situation. They simply just listen.

As a stepmother, you have a huge opportunity to be an amazing example…of either a nagging mean witch….or someone that promotes unity and peace and calm in a home that has already weathered the worst storm that a family can….divorce.

Oh ladies…learn from me….and realize…the only ones that can offer advice are the ones who have been there…New game, new rules…you can do it!!!

Go get it done!