The Reluctant Red Nose

I returned from clown camp and found myself at the doctors office and then to the hospital for two separate ultrasounds….nothing huge just two cysts on my ovaries and my body is super mad at me for being a woman.

Having cancer previously, means that doctors run tests immediately and leave no stone unturned…I appreciate their thoroughness, but sometimes wish they would just chill….but that will never happen and I have to be grateful they care about me.

It’s been a thousand degrees and I keep thinking fall thoughts but the heat still marches on….

I went and visited my Mother today….each visit becomes more clear that she is not the woman who raised me anymore. Today she introduced me as her sister….her sister passed away a few days before my Dad died.

As I sat next to my Mother who could not remember what she had for lunch…let alone breakfast….I laughed to myself as I realized what life has become….the hats I wear and the battles I face….we all face.

The burden of having adult children who live far away. My last child getting ready to leave the nest and making sure she has all she needs. Such a tough two years for her…both of her parents had cancer and the only grandfather she knew passed away five days after her 18th birthday.

Having a business and being responsible for all the things…..life sometimes feels impossible.

Starting out at a new church…new friends….no longer playing in band.

Reinventing my clown character and getting ready to start that up again….maintaining the house….working out….hobbies of camping and gardening and just the everyday habits of cooking and cleaning and having dogs….the everyday struggles of laundry and dishes and keeping all the plates spinning…..and then all of the sudden….here comes dementia….here comes your Mom….no longer someone I recognize….and now it feels that I am alone….both of my parents are gone.

My Mother was a perfectionist….I don’t remember her really being funny…that was always my Dad😳😳😳but this I do remember….

My mother always made holidays special and Halloween was always a good one….

Christmas was of course my favorite….she always made my nieces and nephews and me something homemade….one year she made us all dogs….

This year I will have the manger scene that I loved as a child…:

Today, my Mother thought someone was my Dad that wasn’t and I made her mad when I told her that he wasn’t. In true Mother fashion she informed me my pants were too tight….and without missing a beat I replied….

There’s my Mom! Laughter is always the best option….

I choose to remember her how she was growing up….

Fantastic seamstress….holidays made special…always yelling at my Dad….always a bad cook…but our house was pretty…

And oh how I miss talking to my parents. More than I ever thought I would.

I am sitting in the Minneapolis airport where a fellow passenger just asked me if there was a “clown meeting.” Because she was seeing clown shirts everywhere. She asked me if it was fun…I told her it was a blast…but it was truly so much more. How do you even begin to explain….

Meeting the famous Earl Chaney

If you don’t know these names look them up.

My fabulous teacher for puppets….Karen Hoyer

She taught me so much and I was so happy to be under her leadership.

Julia a former Barnum and Bailey clown….

She instructed us in the ballet gag

Thankfully she said we didn’t have to wear these…just the tutus.

There was also the KenDucky Derby….

Of course you can’t have clown camp without a pie fight!

We also did a quick little skit during lunch!

We also did a clown show for over 300 people! I also got a whole new look this year!!!

Then it was time for graduation!

Love my clown family!

I keep saying to myself that I’m gonna ask my Dad something….then I realize that’s not possible. The shock of that reality still scares me..still stops me in my tracks..as if I’m still processing the grief…trying to understand what is..it still hits me hard.

My Dad was the first one to love me…he was the first to hold my hand. The first to cry with me when I got stitches….the first one to ask my opinion on things.

My Dad loved my long blonde hair. During his last days on this earth he would look at a picture of me when I was little and not knowing it was me he would show it to me talking about how cute she was.

When I told him it was me he looked at me and then the picture trying to make the connection…then he just smiled at me…and that was enough for me.

When I am at the home visiting my Mother she says she sees my Dad sitting on the porch…. She says she misses him so much. Maybe the sightings help her cope. I believe sometimes we can smell those who have gone before us…we can hear their laughter in the wind….

My first husband who went before me plays a song on streaming that only comes on when I am alone or my son is with me by himself…no one else in the car but the two of us.

Today….a butterfly followed me into the garage and then kept flying around me almost attacking me until I started laughing…..a friend gave me a butterfly as an reminder of my Dad and now I love butterflies.

This weekend at the jewelry show Pepsi was everywhere….and they will always be a wink to my Dad.

Right now the world feels lonely…and a little scarier. When my world fell apart he always knew what to do. I never had to carry anything heavy…he always took care of everything. He taught me to be tough but he also taught me how a woman should be treated.

My Dad loved my children and cried when he first met each one…he would always say the famous line “he/or she, is a keeper.” He would always smile…new life and babies were always a soft spot for my Dad.

To my Dads last days he would see imaginary children. My daughter was cutting cake one day and Dad wanted to know why she didn’t cut all the little kids surrounding us a piece. My daughter responded with no hesitation that the kids had to go home right now…and then and only then…would he eat cake..::everyone had to have a piece…even if they were imaginary.

I miss him but I am so happy he is whole again….

I hope you all have a Dad that loved you like mine did.

Lately, a healing in my soul has started coming…..

I felt it last night sitting around with new friends and laughing. I felt it when I looked at a picture on my phone of my Dad and didn’t cry. I felt it when I realized Dad could tell my first husband all the things our son Trey had accomplished. That Dad could tell him that I had made it….in spite of him…I was ok.

The healing started as I went to the garden and felt the wind and heard the wind chines….I felt the healing when I could finally raise my arms up without pain….and the aching of my body from cancer drugs was something that I am used to and how I am learning to push through the pain.

Last night in my dream I could hear my Dad….how excited he always was for the smallest things….this time it was an ice cold Pepsi and how he would say “oh yeah!” As he took a huge sip….how he would talk to you about anything…..and I k ow he’s doing that again in heaven….and I felt better.

The healing came as I kissed my Mothers cheek and she laughed….healing came when she said she sees Dad sit in the back porch of the nursing home….I didn’t argue….maybe that’s her way of dealing with grief….

I felt the healing come as I worked on embroidery….how I do not know….but stress leaves me….

I felt it when I was asked to clown and I said yes….because I haven’t been able to say yes in such a long time….

I have quit saying this year will be better….instead I take the moments of life that are simple….and move with that….

Flowers, cool breezes, vegetables I grew, strawberry jam, dogs that unconditionally love us…beautiful artwork, good books with pretty covers and purple pages….

The smell of lavender….in everything and everywhere….I cannot get enough.

Life is a battle….but hold on….it is beautiful….keep fighting….do not give in and give up.

Today I woke up with my patio table and chairs turned upside down and planters broken and trash cans scattered all down my driveway. I thought of Texas…and my heart was heavy once again.

So much grief is around me….it seems to be suffocating all of us. I keep asking myself when will the sun shine again? When will happiness return? When will we finally be able to relax and not wait for the next punch in the gut…and….there is no answer.

Lately….the joy is hard to find….but it can be found…keep looking….

It can be found in Baking something you’ve wanted to…..

When life is too big…keep going….keep looking for the little joys in life.

I’ve started a new tradition for myself on this road we call life. When I go to the nursing home to see my Mom I try to go in the morning. When I first walk in I say “Hi Momma.” I have never called her Momma except in my early childhood….but I know my time is short with my last parent on earth and I feel I must say it….even if it’s just for myself.

Today I helped her get dressed and at least no one had stolen her undergarments at night (this is a common theme she sings) she likes her new clothes with no buttons and great elastic…I must say that I’m becoming more fond of elastic myself these days.

My Ellie tried to paint with her today but instead Mom just wanted to watch Ellie. After Ellie had stayed and hugged her grandmother many times my Mom called me in a panic telling me that Ellie just left and never told her…. Which I knew was untrue.

She then called me and begged me to go get my Dad…she was desperate to see him….and this is when I want to scream to the heavens what I did to deserve not one but both parents suffering from this disease…

Everyone is talking about 4th of July celebrations but all I want is to read my books and do embroidery. I don’t need fireworks and crowds…I want to be alone. My heart and soul hurt…I am weary and I just have nothing left to give anymore.

Right now I just have enough love for those who have been my greatest supporters and I have no room for nonsense. I am just completely done.

Taking care of your elderly parents is so hard. You deal with horrible guilt….I feel like a game of dodgeball….everyday I try not to get out…

I am tired….but not the kind that you can get enough sleep from but the kind of tired that takes awhile to recover from. I have scars as many do…but lately the hits just don’t seem to be slowing down….

I remember when life was work and getting home and bathing my baby boy …making dinner and watching tv…all was well with the world to a certain level…and then….it wasn’t.

I remember always thinking what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. There is growing in this journey….I am almost up the mountain…I can almost see the top….I would hear terms like “refiners fire” …or even expressions like….”put your big girl panties on” but I would like to get off this ride is the mantra I’ve been saying….I no longer want to participate….0 Stars ….I do not recommend…..

Then I remember:

Life…..it’s worth fighting for.

As always, time makes things a little easier.

Mom is getting more used to her new home and really likes the people there. She is very lonely and sadly I can’t replace my Dad.

Today on the phone she asked me twice if I was Jamie….and I did not cry…but I wanted to.

My Mother brought me up under a very strict dress code. I went to a strict school and could not dance nor go to movies. I wasn’t allowed bikinis or to swim with boys…..

Now, I sit with my Mom and talk and I have tattoos…and she asked me once if it was permanent and hasn’t said another word about it since.

Dementia is a beast….humor is something you have to use…patience is important and frequent short visits are helpful to you and to the patient.

This week we are planning on some R@R and I’m so glad because I couldn’t keep going..

Stress is a real thing and even though it’s easier to keep going it’s not always better.

Missing Dad comes in waves….sometimes I forget…

When my Mom calls the caller ID still says Mom and Dad and I don’t plan on ever changing it.

Tomorrow I’m taking Mom a donut….like I used to bring Dad…..

I miss giving Dad gifts….no matter what it was he always made me feel like it was the best gift he ever got….he always made me feel seen.

I will be bringing mom a bird feeder …..I love watching birds now like she always did…maybe that can be something we can do….

Keep swimming my friends!

Today I put my Mom in a nursing home closer to me. The one she was in she shared with my Dad and it was the only lock down facility in that town. It was not our favorite but it was the best we could do at the time. My Dad was never treated badly…the people there were kind….just not enough help for what they needed.

Today as I was moving mom I saw Dads comforter that I had bought him, laying at the nurses station. We donated it to the home for someone to use. He was so excited for it…he kept asking me if it was his to keep….and the reality of what is hit me in a wave…his slippers laying on top…and I thought to myself how unfair life is…how much I hate that my Dad is gone.

I knew it would be a change for my Mom….and it has been. She has yelled at me and told me what a horrible daughter I am….and I know it’s not her saying it….but it still hurts.

Last October we had to put our Dad in a home after finding him walking the streets and all the things….Mom called myself and other sisters complaining about the other. How we don’t care….how she should just go run into the street and end it all…and then she told me that I dropped her off in a hell hole…..

I give you the hell hole:

When I went back later she had calmed down….only to get all upset around 8 pm….which is completely normal for her.

My Mother lost her soulmate three weeks ago….and we all miss him terribly….Dad was funny and easy going ….

I feel my body tense…the pressure is rising as everything around me seems to be imploding….it seems as if the game of WAC A mole , is here again.

I keep thinking “just keep swimming” like things will get better…:but can I be honest? It’s just a continual crap show that seems to be never ending.

I am trying to pick up hobbies to calm my mind and spirit….

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4th of July is on its way….maybe some relaxation and fun will be coming soon.

We will keep on thrifting…..

Went to decorate Dads grave

Flower garden is starting to bloom……

Keep on swimming…..

We got home around 3 am from Vegas. I do not feel too bad this morning. Happy to be home.

We are able to go to the JCK show in Vegas every other year. Our hotel was amazing and clean and smoke free and no casino….

We took two of our staff members. Vegas is a lot and I recommend never going more than 5 days. It’s sensory overload

However, this year, I was grateful for the distraction and Vegas has cleaned up quite a lot from where it was fifteen years ago.

Good ol Dennys is a fave and I can’t get over the service from our waitress Donna….love her!

The distraction was needed….and thankfully I stayed very busy.

On the flight home in the dark and quiet flight…..I remembered my Dad. Grief comes in waves….unexpected …

The reality of what is comes in waves….like my brain can’t fully process he’s not with me…

The comfort of knowing he is whole again….his body is healed gives me joy….but selfishly I want to kiss the top of his head again….i want to hold his hand again….

I want to hear the joy in his voice as I bring him lemon meringue pie and an ice cold Pepsi…

But those days are gone….and heaven is my hope.

I know the ache will lessen eventually but my Dad was the greatest….and no one umderstood me like he did…

I was named after my Dad and I will treasure that always….

I know you will be standing by the gates Dad….but I have much to accomplish before it’s time for me….

I will do my best…to always make you proud.

Today we laid our Dad to rest. Probably one of the hardest days of my life. I gave the Tribute and I faltered in the beginning, but was able to carry on without too many tears. Not sure if you’ve ever given a Tribute when your entire family is crying….but it encouraged me in a strange way….because I knew they felt the pain that I did.

Tribute:

I have written this tribute over three times. I gave it the simple title…

Dad

How do you write all the things from your childhood and adulthood you want to say in just a few minutes?

How do you say your dad was the best dad and showed up always. When life had broken me, he showed up to fix my broken wings and help me fly again. He would always rescue all of us.

I can still smell his gray metal lunchbox when you opened it. I loved how when he told me to open it, it usually meant a surprise like a chocolate bar or a balloon shaped like an apple.

He can make a song out of anything and he always had a new joke to tell.

In his last days, I came home from the hospital and my Ellie was having a hard time with him leaving us.

So I will tell all of you what I told her.

We were blessed to have a dad/grandpa, who loved us as much as he did

He loved to have water fights, but he never played fair as he would grab the hose and sprayed us with it until we surrendered.

He loved nicknames. Ronda and Trey were called partner. Ashley was famous in our family for Ashley did it. We don’t know what she did, but this was her official greeting even in adulthood.

We were blessed with a dad who loved Jesus and his Bible is worn where he opened it to read it.

Dad could fix anything, he could build anything. He made countless baby doll cribs, wagons, tables, microwave carts, planters, key holders, and even houses.

Dad made me feel like a track star almost every Wednesday night after Mom‘s choir practice and we would race to the car, and I actually believed I had beat him. He was so good at making it look like he had lost. He would even sulk a little so I really believed it And now those are just memories etched into my brain forever shared between just the two of us.

Today our hearts ache, we hurt and we grieve because we were given the greatest gift. We all knew what it was like to be loved by Dad. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for us.

Even when I was married, my dad expected me to call him when I would get home, he couldn’t sleep until he knew I was safe.

I will never forget how much we would love for Dad to get into the pool with us and how he would throw us in the air, but I was never scared. I knew he would always catch me. I was never scared to be in the canoe with him, I knew he would never dump us. I was never scared to ride on the motorcycle because I knew he would do everything he could to keep me safe as long as I held on. I was never scared when our truck was sliding on a snowy road because Dad just told me to hold on and he kept me safe.

But now I’m asked along with all of you to go on without him and I’m not sure how to do that.

How do we say goodbye to someone who has been there for all the highs and lows of our entire lives.

Silly things like lemon meringue pie and donuts now bring tears to my eyes.

I know heaven is home and his mind and body are now healed.

I know he is looking down at us and he is happy to see all of us together.

I know he now knows who I am. He now knows I am his daughter instead of just that girl who has a name he likes. His mind is restored once again, dementia no longer has a hold on him

In the rest home facility, dad would say the following I had five girls… Long pause

And we would always sit there and smile because we never knew what he would say. And he would finish the statement by saying and that’s OK. I loved all my girls and we would smile and laugh.

Even when Dad was not his Best, we all knew that we were loved

Walking him home has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I wanted more time, but I know that’s selfish. I know heaven is his home. I know I will see him again. I’m sure he will be standing by the gates, asking us all what took us so long.

For now, I will smile when I see Chevy trucks. I will always root for the Kansas City Royals and the Chiefs and fishing and camping will always remind me of him. I will always cry when I see Folgers cans and I can still hear him saying why would you drive a Ford?

But I am so grateful for a Dad, who loved me unconditionally, and I knew that I could come home when my world fell apart, and he would let me lick my wounds, help me to be strong again… And then send me back out.

So today, we get to cry, we get to mourn…..But we rejoice because we know where he is. Today, is not the end.

Someday, there will be no more death.

We must look forward, we must hold the memories close.

We must remain grateful for without the gift of love. We would never feel the pain we feel now.

We are lucky that we have a dad/grandfather, who loved us so big and so loudly with much humor… Lots of laughter and wonderful memories. As you go forward, live your life with no regrets.

As I write this, I’m sitting by his bedside… I can hear his breath, and even now I’m comforted by it, because I know he’s still here… And I don’t want that to end… But I know it must, and even though I know it’s coming, I’m still in some sort of denial, that it isn’t real, but I know it is. And I am thankful for God‘s promises… That He always make a way.

So today and every day, I challenge all of you to hold on… Much like I did on the back of my dad‘s motorcycle because our heavenly father will also take care of us… We have no need to fear.

I leave you with this verse:

John 16: 22

So with you, now is your time of grief, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.