The Reluctant Red Nose

Maybe it is the time of year…the changing seasons…that make my heart just completely shattered.

Somedays the grief takes me over and I just hurt. The man that loved me the most on the planet is no longer on the same planet with me.

In my dreams I hear his voice…his laugh…and I hear him say my name. I long for hearing him laugh or exclaim joy as I brought him the simplest of gifts. He loved donuts and would get so excited when I brought him one.

I drove home last night and my chest tightened and I could barely breathe as I thought about how we are no longer on the same planet and that makes me overwhelmingly sad. The man who loved me and fought for me when my first husband would not…is now in heaven with him….and that seems so unfair. I’m sure he told him about Trey and how he graduated from college and how well he is doing. I am sure he told him that in spite of him…I did just fine…

I am sure he ran to his mother who he couldn’t remember…and hugged his Dad. I am sure he laughed when he saw his great grandchild and hugged her again.

I know he ran and played baseball…I am sure he drank RC Cola. I bet he played some golf and enjoyed riding his motorcycle. I am sure he was surrounded by all the dogs we had growing up. I am sure that heaven was far more than any of us can imagine.

Selfishly, I want him here….I just want to tell him all the things I didn’t get to tell him when he was on this earth because he didn’t understand. I need a redo….I need him to know that I miss him so much and I am so grateful he was my Dad….

Grief is hard….it comes in waves…large waves wash over me that cause me to catch my breath and try to get through it as best I can.

I feel that life was bearable in 2018….but ever since 2019….life has been just one more punch each year.

I am tired of cancer….and being poked and prodded…I am tired of being strong….I want my Dad….I want him how he used to be before dementia came…I want one more conversation, one more hug, one more visit with him….but those wants will never be fulfilled this side of heaven….and I will just have to wait for that glorious day!

Someday Jesus will be there to greet me….and behind Him will be my earthly Father and I will never have to say goodbye again!

Until that glorious day.

Every blog post I have done lately begins with this word. My opinions, my feelings…my dreams and my hopes. My despair and my fears.

Today at work a lady told me her earrings were to represent her child who took their own life….and …I was undone.

The burdens people carry…I will never be able to understand….

I know people who whine because they spilled their coffee…while other make it into work in spite of three children throwing up and somehow they found someone to watch them. What makes some so resilient….and others so spoiled?

Tomorrow I was headed to the pumpkin patch until I found out it was supposed to rain all day….and now in a way I’m glad….because I just realized it will be the very last time I have someone to go to the pumpkin patch with me….and my heart cannot barely understand it.

My Ellie, just won 3rd place for her painting being held in the local hospital for their art exhibition.

She did not win 3rd in the teen division…she competed with some of her teachers even…

I was so proud of her!

Lately, I keep dragging myself along….and am happy to feel my bones coming back to life….

Apple butter being made daily….

I hope today you are finding joy in the little things!

August 5,2002….a normal day…I believe it was a Tuesday but I am not positive. This was my second test of learning I am built differently. My first husband had been killed in a car accident and I was left to raise our son alone.

I remember my Mother telling me that she wasn’t sure how I was doing all the things…raising a son, working and trying to get through all the stages of grief.

There have been a lot of trials in my life…and somedays I wish I could fall apart….but I am not built that way….to the bitter end….I just won’t quit.

I entertain throwing the towel in. I imagine living the RV life…and how great it would be to sell everything…and just go see all the things. Say goodbye to people who hate me….say goodbye to constant chaos of owning a business…

What would it be like to finish a task uninterrupted? Read five chapters of a book without a phone call.

I have planned two funerals by myself….I have buried the man who loved me the most on this planet….my father….while learning afterwards how people who did nothing to help were annoyed at how I did things….

I have buried a husband who had affairs and they were clinging to his casket….while I sat there with my son….wishing I could wake up from the nightmare.

I have endured breast cancer and radiation and I am on one year of hormone therapy with four years to go….that in itself will make you want to get in an RV and never look back.

Recently, I have dealt with more skin cancer and daily calls of the nursing home my Mother is at. As I helped her into bed one night she asked me to get Dad….and tell him to come see her….and I want to run….and keep running….

I don’t want to comfort anyone else…I don’t want to explain myself…I don’t want to have the answer…I don’t want to be the one you can always count on…I want to be the flake…the drama queen…and irresponsible.

I want to be uncaring….say hateful things to people and about people…I don’t want to be the person where people constantly watch….wanting them to fail and fall…to mess up and to constantly want them to be defeated.

But….I am not built that way….my Dad wouldn’t let me be.

I am strong because what else can I be? There has to be someone who fixes it….someone who takes care of it…someone who is the planner of the trips, the payer of the bills….the one who everyone looks at to know just how big of trouble we are in….the one who is the leader but never asked to be. I am the one who always must find the solution…and I am raising my kids to be the same.

I am sensitive and feel things most people do not. I am affected by negative people and I am encouraged by those that make me feel seen. It heals me when I am around that.

I am the one who sees the weak among us and try to bring that person out. I am loyal to a fault but once you prove yourself to be a liar and a thief I have nothing for you.

I do not understand those who give people chances who have been known to lie and steal and say horrible things to other people and I am confused why people still give these people the time of day and involve themselves in their lives?

It is bizarre to me when you have watched how someone treats someone else and still has a relationship with them? What do you think they will do to you? Do you not realize these types of people are users? They will do the same to you when they are done with you that they have done to others.

When I would lay there during radiation and hold my breath and count the rotations …I would tell myself how strong I was…

I would shout in my head F cancer.

I would rub my finger over the scars trying to get used to the strange feeling my skin now had. As I suffered through vertigo….and lymphedema I wondered just how much more I could take….

And I discovered….just a little bit more.

Because, I am not your average bear….i am the fifth daughter…named after my father as the last hope of a boy….I have disappointed people since the day I was born.

I have the best sense of humor….I am funny…I say that without arrogance…but my brain works in a way where I’m always imagining a joke…it’s a defense mechanism.

I am short and always have been….but my stature has never bothered me….and I can play a piano with the best of them.

But….i do want to cry when my Mom asks me to get my Dad….

And my armour is getting rusty….and this soldier is tired…and ready to give in….

But for now….I just keep getting back up!

This morning as I walked my Ozzie I thought about it….tried to imagine it surrounding me, almost like a cozy blanket.

I drove with my car down the parkway, the leaves are starting to change….I want to close my eyes and really feel the anxiety fall away.

The phone calls updating me on health concerns. The Nursing home stating what recent shenanigans my Mother has found herself in. My son sending me a pic of something that makes my heart stop…with the words written under it “I am fine!”

My store calling asking a question….a vendor didn’t receive the check we mailed….a client wants a refund because back in 1972 we fixed a ring and now in 2025 the ring has issues with the prongs.

Rude things people say….gossip that never stops….and I just want to put my head in the water and never come back up. Just disappear where there is no music, no conversation…just quiet….because right now I cannot hear anymore.

I say “no worries” multiple times a day when all I feel is more worry…more tension.

I go to the retirement home and my Mom asks me to get my Dad and I so wish I could….

I can’t get on social media without hate being spewed on one another and I feel this old mean world just might do me in.

I don’t have a solution anymore….I don’t have any advice …I guess just being around those who are kind and compassionate.

Everyday, I find myself longing for peace….

I have witnessed mean girls coming into my store they will not speak to me or look at me….hate laid at my feet….and I want to get into my car and drive away…..

Then, an older lady battling cancer reaches her hand out and lays it on mine and thanks me for being kind to her. Another lady compliments my style….and I realized something.

There will always be mean spirited people who want nothing more than for you to fail in life. They have only hate in their heart, and just want you to be miserable like them. They want nothing more than to stop you from succeeding, stop you from being a light. They are covered in hatred…and nothing you do will ever change that.

I heard this quote today: “

So show up and be who you are….the haters will just be miserable together….

And I have to much to do to be concerned with the opinions of mean girls.

January of last year, my social media accounts were hacked…bank cards etc…email…all of it.

I took down my Facebook and never looked back.

Here is what I have accomplished in the last 8 months without Facebook….I do have Instagram but it’s private and it is not a large following..I basically have it to document life.

So here are the Changes the last 8 months.

Anxiety is not as high.

I am not bothered by reading several pointless posts.

I have read a lot of books this year

I can’t imagine what more I could do if I limit my daily intake of social media….

So take a moment…..and put away your social media platforms. Let’s see what else we can find to do and to learn!

We just got back from a camping trip….and it has taken us over a year to downsize what we take on a trip. Perhaps it was my teenage fear of always running out of things on school trips that started this must for overpacking…but it has taken over 40 years to calm it down.

40 years of carrying to much…heavy bags…no room for necessary things…and just exhausting and not being able to enjoy the moment…I must tell you….in the last year my travel suitcase has cut down dramatically. My husband has even noticed and it just makes everything so much smoother.

So this week at camp…we cleaned up in record time…we were not overwhelmed about where things were…and we just really enjoyed our small camper.

The weather was perfection….

So as I enjoyed my newfound minimalism….i looked at other things that I could do in my life…like what makes me have anxious thoughts and feelings….what overwhelms me? What steals my joy?

Christmas is my least favorite holiday, but why is that? I always loved it before I owned a retail store…and then I realized….decorating the store and my home and having a big party for the store…was too much….and how long was I going to do this!

When I turned 30 I started hosting the entire family….and now that I’m 51….I am tired….it is time for some other people to pay the dues….

So, this next week I will start going through my decor….and my house will still be beautiful but it will be so much more manageable….and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I want a bracelet with my Dad’s handwriting. I was looking through my hope chest almost frantically. If you did not receive a hope chest in the early 90s from Lane…then you will just need to google it…but it is what we all got at the age of 16. Now we give them cars….but back then…a wooden chest is what you needed to start out in life.

I apparently was a saver of all things …ribbons and medals and awards…and pieces of crepe paper and cards and all things that seemed like the most important earthly possessions I could ever possibly own.

I dug through old newspapers from my highschool which I glanced at my childish columns thinking g I was such an amazing writer…and read the judges scoring of my piano solos and speeches….they always make me smile….i wasn’t above average in much…but piano….I was good…not exceptional…but really quite good…and I was dramatic…but my speech teacher despised me. That’s another story for a day that will never come.

I ran across demerits that were given to me for talking….and one from my accounting teacher where he was so mad at me because I had everyone around me laughing that he checked every single box and sent me to the office. The principals wife called me in and asked me what in the world I had done to make this man give demerits when he had never done so in the history of ever. I admit….I wouldn’t want me as a student either….but even though I don’t fully remember the situation or the context of my sarcasm, I can tell you that sometimes the material just presents itself….and I am weak (to this day) to not answer.

Finally, I found the paper with the note that my Dad had left me….probably on the kitchen table …where he knew I would find it. He had left hours before me….and for some reason my 17 year old self knew to hold onto it. Dad rarely wrote us letters….Mom did all that….but when you got one….it was like the lottery.

This silly note reminds me of when all was right with the world. I knew no matter where I went in life…home would always be there waiting for me…and now…that home exists….but not for me.

Home….with the hum of Dad’s tractor as he mowed. The crunch of the walnuts and the complaining of my Dad that he just wants to cut down that tree. The sound of the water in the pool when the pump comes on. The smell of suntan lotion and the sight of hanging beach towels. I can hear the hissing of beans…oh how I hate beans…

Mom always in the garden….some grandchild dropping by…and me always always always begging for the air to be turned down.

I think that’s why I like camping….in a way….i turn back into this girl….

I had just sprained my ankle . I was riding on the front of a bike and I stuck my foot in the spindle…and caused a bit of a ruckus…my smile was that I was allowed to sit in the big lawn chair and be waited on…the pain…worth it.

Now, those are just memories….and the home I once thought would always be there just isn’t. There is no Mom and Dad to go visit….no ice tea to be poured…no plants to be given advice on…no late night ice cream binges with Dad…no more knowing I needed to go to bed when I heard Mash come on when Mom fell asleep after the evening news. It’s all a place I can only visit in my dreams.

Today I drove home with soft music playing….I see cute dogs walking with their owners, I enjoy the pink doors on houses, black and white shutters, and KC Chiefs decor. A new season is coming…fall….and I have never wanted a season to be here more.

Does it seem like life is going faster?

This past weekend my husband and I went away to celebrate our 21st anniversary.

We are desperate for quiet….we have not been able to go camping once this entire year because of….life….

The healing power your soul goes through when out in nature will never be something I take for granted.

We were meant to be quiet….we we’re meant for simple pleasures…we were meant to just be.

To sit in an egg chair and read a book….no to do lists….just read the book.

Finding painted rocks was a simple pleasure that made me smile….

I think it’s a heart ❤️

Then on our way home we stopped at….

But we will not forget our fave Airbnb in Mt Vernon MO

It is good to just be….

I returned from clown camp and found myself at the doctors office and then to the hospital for two separate ultrasounds….nothing huge just two cysts on my ovaries and my body is super mad at me for being a woman.

Having cancer previously, means that doctors run tests immediately and leave no stone unturned…I appreciate their thoroughness, but sometimes wish they would just chill….but that will never happen and I have to be grateful they care about me.

It’s been a thousand degrees and I keep thinking fall thoughts but the heat still marches on….

I went and visited my Mother today….each visit becomes more clear that she is not the woman who raised me anymore. Today she introduced me as her sister….her sister passed away a few days before my Dad died.

As I sat next to my Mother who could not remember what she had for lunch…let alone breakfast….I laughed to myself as I realized what life has become….the hats I wear and the battles I face….we all face.

The burden of having adult children who live far away. My last child getting ready to leave the nest and making sure she has all she needs. Such a tough two years for her…both of her parents had cancer and the only grandfather she knew passed away five days after her 18th birthday.

Having a business and being responsible for all the things…..life sometimes feels impossible.

Starting out at a new church…new friends….no longer playing in band.

Reinventing my clown character and getting ready to start that up again….maintaining the house….working out….hobbies of camping and gardening and just the everyday habits of cooking and cleaning and having dogs….the everyday struggles of laundry and dishes and keeping all the plates spinning…..and then all of the sudden….here comes dementia….here comes your Mom….no longer someone I recognize….and now it feels that I am alone….both of my parents are gone.

My Mother was a perfectionist….I don’t remember her really being funny…that was always my Dad😳😳😳but this I do remember….

My mother always made holidays special and Halloween was always a good one….

Christmas was of course my favorite….she always made my nieces and nephews and me something homemade….one year she made us all dogs….

This year I will have the manger scene that I loved as a child…:

Today, my Mother thought someone was my Dad that wasn’t and I made her mad when I told her that he wasn’t. In true Mother fashion she informed me my pants were too tight….and without missing a beat I replied….

There’s my Mom! Laughter is always the best option….

I choose to remember her how she was growing up….

Fantastic seamstress….holidays made special…always yelling at my Dad….always a bad cook…but our house was pretty…

And oh how I miss talking to my parents. More than I ever thought I would.

I am sitting in the Minneapolis airport where a fellow passenger just asked me if there was a “clown meeting.” Because she was seeing clown shirts everywhere. She asked me if it was fun…I told her it was a blast…but it was truly so much more. How do you even begin to explain….

Meeting the famous Earl Chaney

If you don’t know these names look them up.

My fabulous teacher for puppets….Karen Hoyer

She taught me so much and I was so happy to be under her leadership.

Julia a former Barnum and Bailey clown….

She instructed us in the ballet gag

Thankfully she said we didn’t have to wear these…just the tutus.

There was also the KenDucky Derby….

Of course you can’t have clown camp without a pie fight!

We also did a quick little skit during lunch!

We also did a clown show for over 300 people! I also got a whole new look this year!!!

Then it was time for graduation!

Love my clown family!