The Reluctant Red Nose

I cried a lot last night….went to bed too late….alarm went off and my body said….nope. I got up at 6:15….annoyed. Got to work at 8 instead of 7:30….on my day off because that’s how it rolls when you own your own business.

Accomplished a lot in two hours and then headed to the cancer center to pick up my solution to drink for the CT Scan. I should stop in there everyday…the three receptionist still have their chickens…still remember me…compliment me….they are special. They remember the names of all the cancer patients that walk through those doors…and they made something scary feel like it would be ok.

Made it through my CT scan with flying colors….weirdest sensation ever….I thought I had peed my pants but the nurse assured me I indeed had not…my scan was clear….and that’s a relief.

I look back at the last seven months and the things that used to bother me that now I do not think about.

This place now gives me comfort….it is like a club we never wanted to join but all the nurses I have ever had here have been such a treasure….I have to meet with two oncologist this week….and it no longer bothers me.

These don’t bother me….and I am glad for pretty tattoos…they hide the blood.

Right now I feel like I am on a ship that is sinking very slowly….things aren’t bad….they aren’t awful…they are just hard. There is no security in anything. I feel that everything is uncertain. I can’t think of my Dad without crying so I do my best to not think about him.

I worry about the store and groceries and bills…like every other American does right now and I wonder will it always feel this way?

I think back to Covid and I feel as I did during that time….very uncertain…..

How do you find peace and joy in uncertain times and uncertain budgets? How do you not have your stomach wadded into worry daily…..

You count the gifts….you keep going….you enjoy…mums ♥️

Today I went to see my Dad….I went to pick up my Mom and then the two of us along with my daughter, made the short trek.

The nurses are familiar with is. I have been pleased with how kind they are to him…

Dad is not eating well. Today he slept a lot during our visit and didn’t know me at all. He recognized Mom. I thought he would get excited about the Chiefs game…but he was not.

I had my son FaceTime and for the first time ever he didn’t know my son….it was hard for him I could tell.

Trey tried to talk Royals making it to the Playoffs on such a long time and he was not interested…which is so ridiculously unusual.

When you deal with a parent with dementia you go through this hell that is indescribable. I am not sure what is more painful than your parent not recognizing you at all….and then bit by bit….all the things you talked about with them….slowly get pulled away from their memory.

Memories you had….they don’t remember. So you sit there and watch them sleep….and wish you could talk to them.

You have visitors who come in uninvited due to them not knowing where they should be as well…my daughter once again jumped right up and helped the sweet little lady find her way back to her room.

Dad wanted to sleep in his bed but I had to deny him that due to it being too close to dinner and he has not been eating well.

So I wheeled him down in the wheelchair ….knowing he probably won’t eat tonight…because I am like him…when I am sad I do not eat…but when I am happy and stress free I certainly enjoy food.

So on the long drive home my daughter slept which gave me time to be alone with my thoughts. It was the golden hour..my favorite time of day…and all the memories of childhood came back. My Dad in his grey Chevy truck. His arm always out the window so it was always darker than the other. We would talk about everything. We would sing silly songs…..when we would get home I would do homework and then eat and then do chores. Sometimes I got to help feed the horses…and the stupid goat Ellie May….i named my goat something sensible like Heidi…and my sister named hers Happy. Even though she is eight years older than I I found that name to be so silly…Heidi made perfect sense…doesn’t anyone read anymore?

Dad could talk long and hard at anyone with anyone….and now ….that person doesn’t exist.

When I got home my husband asked me if I was ok….I shook my head yes….:

However….as it always goes….11:00 at night my tears began to flow..:and here I sit on my couch at 12:24 on a Sunday night….knowing 5 am comes quickly….

And I am thankful for the memories….but Dementia I hate you sooo much!

The cake my Mom made when I was four. She made all our cakes growing up….that one had clowns on it and I’ve been smitten ever since!

I do not talk about my old high-school often. It is hard to explain it….when I do…I feel that people get man confused with Jesus, and even though Christian was used in the name of our school….most of us knew that God was not pleased.

There were years of abuse for many students. Teachers and principals who disciplined with no love. I saw fellow students yelled at and thrown up against lockers. We had demerits and they were given for talking too much, chewing gum…I can’t tell you how many I received for chewing pen caps.

I was in trouble constantly….told that I was bad and that my heart was impure. I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything….and so it is with strange feelings that I felt when I saw these….

In a strange way it makes me happy….this place can’t hurt any others.

The rest of us still struggle….some got out without scratch….others walked away from God entirely….

I struggled with my faith but when my first husband died I felt the presence of God and He has walked me through one fiery trial after another…He is real….He is love…He will not allow evil to prevail in His name. He has nothing to do with that school….legalism did…

A verse we said daily at school “whether you eat or drink or whatsoever you do….do all to the glory of God.”

I have wondered often….how did the leadership say that without being convicted of how they treated students….all in the name of Jesus……

I think this vacation was harder for us to come home because we don’t normally get a full vacation. We have never experienced a vacation where employees didn’t bother us…it was irritating because we were bothered by ones that don’t even work for us anymore….and they both knew we were on vacation….but this is how it always seems to go.

Idaho is a mix of Arizona and Colorado and unless you’ve been there you just can’t understand it. The beauty of nature is everywhere….

We live in a town with lots of trees so we enjoy the beauty of fall but we don’t have this….

I felt like I could breathe….coffee tasted better….and my stress went away. I could feel my body relaxing.

Today I picked up the dogs, had a grocery order delivered, we got laundry done, we unpacked suitcases. Made lists for next week….and so it goes.

I went out to check on my flowers….the deer figured out how to eat two more of my dahlias but one survived…

Thanks to my neighbor my mums survived….

Projects are lined up for this week..::and we have a lot to accomplish this week and next….hoping to hold on to that Idaho feeling a bit longer….

Take me back!!

Today was a day I was very excited to see….

Absolutely breathtaking views!

The Aspens are beautiful right now!

We went and saw Hot Springs….many people taking a soak…

You can see the steam coming up.

Went to a little town that is pretty much no more….

Saw a beautiful lake…

We saw Sawtooth Mountain….

Had a s’mores shake….

And that’s a wrap! Beautiful day!

Today was a little hotter and my lymphedema acted up but I got cooled down…

We started off with Shoshone Falls (I believe I spelled that correctly….

We then went on a hike….so beautiful…

Then it ended with an amazing waterfall you could walk behind!

It was a beautiful day!

This week is about checking things off the bucket list!

Today was a fun one. I am sore and I am sunburned…but it was worth it!

There were some challenging hills to climb….

But I did it!

The view was worth it!

Some caves to climb down into…

Then an easy walking path….

Then some more big climbs….

Then we went to my fave…:

Today meant my recovery story back….

I have my lists of things I must do…I did it today!!! I did it!!! And I will keep working to get better!!

I am in Idaho right now…we are here for a wedding…and it has been lovely. The next few days we will be sightseeing.

I am reminded how life has its ups and downs and it’s important to make sure that in life we are there to support people in the happy moments and the sad moments of life.

It would be easy for many to focus on hardships and terrible things we go through in life. I think many of us feel like the difficulties of life are even harder when we are around beautiful moments of someone’s life.

Focusing on ourselves instead of the beauty of an amazing moment on someone’s life is one of the most selfish things you can do.

One day, one event….surely we as a people can focus on someone else but ourselves for that day can’t we?

I remember in elementary school we had a friend whose Mom made awesome Bible covers for our Bibles…

I went to a private school and we had Bible class daily and chapel weekly….having a cool Bible cover was the ultimate calling card in the 6th grade. We coveted these and they were given as birthday presents and we all just adored them. Finally it was my birthday and I was soo excited….I went to open my gift and it wasn’t a Bible cover…it was a lovely stuffed bear and I loved it but I was soo confused in that moment. My expectation was for a coveted prize (it is not lost on me we should not be covetous and that’s in the Bible)

Now why do I bring that up? I truly have no idea why this memory popped into my head as it was literally 40 years ago….but I believe even as a kid I understood that focusing on the fact I didn’t get that Bible cover was a mistake. Instead my friend gave me a wonderful gift and my Mother who was a wonderful seamstress had made me a very beautiful Bible cover as well…so really I was luckier.

It is sooo easy to look at other and be sad at our own circumstances.

Why do they get to drive a Bentley and I drive a Nissan? Why do I have health problems and others eat sugar and never deal with any health issues?

Why are some people pretty? Others struggle in that department…..you name it….

But when you find yourself being the one that sucks the joy from all the rooms that happiness tries to go because you have not accepted the road you will travel…you will never be happy.

Last night I videotaped my family dancing and laughing and being together….and I beamed the whole time….because happiness and joy are all around us…don’t let the lies destroy your soul.

There is a time to cry…and there is a time to fight…but there is a time to heal…and joy always brings healing….

Today I was able to return to one of my fave things on the planet.

Eight months ago after meticulously planning and scheduling a few schools….I had to cancel every single appointment and I was very angry….

Since that day every single cancer surgery…treatment…this was one of the goals…to get back to Red Nose Readers.

After the three groups of kiddos today I came home and did some household chores and then collapsed on my couch and took a 30 minute nap. ….but I would change nothing…I wouldn’t take one less kid…I wouldn’t take one less class….I would not change a thing. Listening to them laugh was medicine…and my favorite kind.

Children will be honest with you…if they don’t like your program they will tell you…if they don’t like your costume they will tell you.

But thankfully, I was their jam today…and they want me to come back…and that is always the goal.

I will never be the most skilled and talented clown you have ever seen….but I will keep trying….and I will keep fighting.

Some days I feel we have lost this next generation….but other days I see….they just want to be loved…they just need to laugh…and as long as I am breathing….I will make it my life goal…to do just that!!!

And cancer….you didn’t win!!!!

Tonight we started back with our church group that we are very close to….we have about twelve of us in a group and these people are like family….they know my secrets….they know what makes me tick…and in spite of that they still love me.

Today was a hard day of owning a business…and I would love nothing more than to live in a cabin in the woods far from television…and debates. I would love to make soap every day and just sip coffee in the morning…but that isn’t reality.

There will always be people who lie about you…and hate you….and they will feel that those lies are true and will repeat it to all sorts of people around you…

There is a reason why women dislike other women. We tend to be jealous of success or when someone is in power. We say we support others but we spread lies, stir the pot, gossip, say mean things…attack appearances and then say…they can’t figure out why women build walls.

I learned long ago how to build your support team and who you needed on that team.

You need someone/ or a group of someone’s who will tell you the truth. Someone who will see your vulnerabilities and still love you. You need a cheerleader. Someone who respects you and your talents. Someone who will compliment your successes and cheer for you.

Women who ask about you when you don’t feel like talking. Women who check on you when you have cancer treatments instead of taking from you.

Women who know when you are talking but not saying everything you mean….women who know you are struggling and make it their mission to pull you up.

You do not need a large group….I have found the larger the group the bigger the betrayal….

I have close friends from all walks of life and from different areas of my life….

My clown friends and I text almost daily…my close friends from church we try to touch base twice weekly…and my friends from my childhood we check in periodically…..

I want to be a woman who builds up….compliments often. I try to always tell people (even strangers at the airport if I like what they are wearing etc). Compliments are something that are few and I know when I get one it makes my day!

How about we start a women’s movement where we build up. We have mutual respect, we don’t hold grudges. We aren’t mean and spread lies about others…we work things through. We don’t speak ill of someone because of looks or something else they can’t help. How about we applaud women and their successes instead of assuming only men can make decisions. How about we be respectful of women in their positions and not spew hatred about them because they have a leadership role which they never asked for and frankly really didn’t want. Why can’t we as women just be kind? How about we start that movement?

Last night I was hugged and loved on….they know the struggles I am having on this medicine, they know the struggles I am having with my parents…and they know they can’t fix it…but they hug me and they pray for me and there’s nothing more than I can ask.

Today is full of things I must do…people that work for me have no idea of the hours that I put in while not physically at work and….how we never stop working.

Tonight….I clown….and laugh…and leave the burdens that I carry behind. No one promised life would be easy….but no one said we couldn’t laugh as we go….

This is 50….and I am a Gen X….and I know how to pull up my big girl panties….now watch me do just that.