Today at work I told everyone no hugs. I told them not to say I’m sorry…I know they are…but there’s a certain feeling of just people who are my friends knowing and I don’t feel comfortable sharing my private life with my customers. Especially when I am super vulnerable.
Church on Sunday was healing. Until one of my friends got up to take communion who visited my Mom a lot….tears when I saw her. Another came up and hugged me and I cried and sobbed…she’s the kind of friend who has magic hugs…she doesn’t have to say anything…you just want to be hugged by her forever.
I got my kitty Mira on Sunday….poor baby had fleas had to go directly to the vet to get meds and her first shot…in three weeks we go back.
Because I’m insane I decided I had to have our downstairs bathroom made into a space for her complete with wallpaper
For now she’s filling a hole that is pretty deep but she’s trying.
My Ellie girl goes off to college in two days….I have funeral homes and chaplains calling me. I decided to purchase a booth at a antique store before all this happened and they want it ready to go by September. Also I need to decorate my store and home for fall. I have a wedding to attend for a very dear friend that’s in Texas…and two weeks after that we go on a trip of a lifetime…and I feel that I can’t feel one more emotion.
How do you send your daughter off to school—- happy for her but sad for you
Bury your mother- happy she’s no longer here in pain but sad for you.
Go to a wedding for your dear friend and see other friends—-happy
Go on a trip of a lifetime- happy
Lose both of your parents in a fifteen month span- unbelievably hard.
I was going through my Mothers purse the other night when I had collected the things that I felt meant the most to her. I found her tracks that she used to give out…her small New Testament bible which I had apparently wanted very badly because my childhood writing of my name was scrawled across my mothers. And inside my dads wallet were pictures of me and my Mom and my children…including this one…extremely worn so I wanted it in a frame. Some people say I look like her….she was very pretty so I don’t see the comparison but I appreciate the compliment.
I am not sure how familiar everyone is with dementia….both of my parents had it…and I don’t wish it on anyone. Leaving the nursing homes most days I would just sit in the car trying to understand what I just dealt with. Sometimes there was humor…other days there were tears as my Mother screamed at me to help her….I would hold her hand and that would help…..
The nurses at the home were exceptional. They would send me pictures of mom and this particular one was my favorite.
What most people don’t know is my Mother had no patience for the ridiculous….when I was growing up this is not the person that you see before you on this picture. My Mother was refined, proper, and always about the details…I took after my Dad….comfort was of utmost importance and I had a fascination with chocolate or anything sweet. I did not believe in details, especially bed making.
My mother never knew that I clowned…I knew she would not understand and therefore would be upset with me.
I never wanted something that is something so important to me to be discussed in a negative manner. I didn’t want her opinion on something that is a huge part of me.
I guess that’s the amazing part of heaven. All those silly things that held you back from being the most amazing person you can be are all gone.
So in a way….I think this picture of my mother is who she really was….before she had so many people to impress….before she worried about how everything looked….before she really understood the GRACE of Jesus.
He did not come for the perfect….He came for those who knew they weren’t perfect.
I will never understand why some people go through life with no worries, troubles, or pain…and others seem to go through it a lot. The last six years have been rough….but I like who I am after the pain….I like that the little things he mean the most. My relationship with my children is more open….less confrontational about how they live their lives….both of my children have tattoos and I guess since I have four….that’s ok.
Everyone has a choice in life….those of us who were parents have made mistakes…our parents made mistakes…but I choose not to live in those mistakes….I choose to look at the good…look at the amazing lessons that I learned from both of them….and grateful for the warm home where I never knew hunger, never knew violence, never knew what it was like not to have a coat or shoes or any of my needs and most of my wants.
I choose to see the good….and I know that when she sees me clowning….she will see me through these green heart glasses and smile from heaven because now she understands….now she gets it.
The Reluctant Red Nose 