The few hours after my Mother had passed, the first thing I did was get sick….then it felt like I had the flu for about three days. I went to work and was able to get through but I just would collapse at night.
I thought after her funeral I would start to get my legs under me….but a few days this week I felt better (except for crying at anything at anytime) then yesterday and today I have had a horrible headache and just totally achy.
Tomorrow I have several distractions and I think that’s good. This week requires me to get my antique booth up and get my house and store decorated for fall. I am grateful for these distractions.
When you lose your parents a year after the other the emptiness is hard to explain….but the fact that we were all cheated because of dementia because a much harder pill to swallow.
I am thankful that I no longer have to walk into a the nursing home and hear my Mom screaming for me to help her….but I also know that wasn’t her…not really.
It became hard when the nurses had to remind her who I was…
The first person that greeted me when I came into this world is gone. The woman who helped me walk and eat…and introduced me to berries and let me have my own goat and dogs and puppies and cats and taught me how to take care of them…is gone. The people who knew me best…who watched me grow and marry and have children and knew every single part of me….and I am alone.
How do you come back from that? Yes I will see them in heaven but what about the years that were robbed of me that I could have had with them? What about the Time I missed out on….
How many times will our family get together now that our parents are gone?
What becomes of all of us?
Do we all become wrapped up in our own families? Do we all just get together every other year? I can hear dad’s words in my ears “always love each other.”
Feelings after my parents have passed are raw….
I’m working on not holding grudges, not being upset when I have had to do things alone…..
I wonder what it would be like to just not do it…rely on someone else? I am my father’s daughter….I will see it to the end….and I have.
My job is complete….I feel I ran the race well….but everything imaginable has changed. I have visited and looked after my parents for so long I don’t know how to not do this? How do I just go on?
I am thankful for warm kitties who for now, heal my soul….and give me comfort.
I like to think that God orchestrated me getting her at just the right time.
So tomorrow we begin a new way of life….and we will just keep putting one foot in front of the other….
The Reluctant Red Nose 