This trip has stressed me out for months….I am the girl with the constant internal dialogue that is always in hyperdrive.
It’s the crazy thoughts that run through my head about every possible thing that can go wrong. Some people call this anxiety…others who are unmedicated Gen Xers like me call that an active imagination (because that’s what were told as children constantly)
So for starters I have this thing on every trip that I need to see how old the pilot is…they should definitely be older than my son and preferably the same age as my husband. I think we now call that “experienced” pilots not old.
I also freak about missing my plane and not being able to go to London…all this planning and money saved and everything just gone to waste.
I then have tension about being robbed or having my cell phone stolen…and then what would we do?
I have a fear of not being able to have ice forgetting to not flush toilet paper, paying for the potties, making sure I don’t offend anyone because I’m American and say something I so don’t mean. Making sure I’m on the correct side of the train….and being able to not get sick from the food or the plane or people….and last but not least….coffee….I desperately need it…and several times a day.
This is what plagues me….always worried about the “what ifs” instead of just going along with the trip….enjoying the time….the experience. Embracing the culture…laughing at our mistakes and learning what it’s like to take a moment to be away from the daily grind. To actually embrace something from our normal reality.
How do you become the person that enjoys every part of life? The planning, the packing, the travel to destination person and the destination itself and all the things that go wrong, but also all the things that go right.
How do you embrace the good the bad and the ugly and still come out saying how beautiful life is.
I love my house….I love my garden and my dog and my cat….I love when my children and their significant others come home. I love sitting and drinking coffee in the morning with my husband and drink coffee. If it was up to me I would do everything in my power to stay at home and never leave….but I also know that isn’t living.
I have been blessed to travel and see many things in this country and this world. Travel makes us understand different cultures, expand our horizons and learn about different histories. It makes me see the world differently, it helps me look at the world creatively. It shapes the way I decorate, the way I shop…the products I’m interested in. It helps my world expand.
What if I never visited Cozumel and never got to go snorkeling on a glass bottom boat…or have the best Italian food ever (yep in Mexico) or see the amazing Mayan ruins.
What if I never visited Antigua and had amazing coffee at a beautiful coffee plantation. Or roasted marshmallows in a vein of a volcano or had all the amazing food I had.
What if I never went to clown camp in Minnesota and forged the amazing friendships that I have or pushed myself to do something amazing?
What if I never figured out I liked camping or kayaking or hiking or fishing? What if I never did any of these things but stay at home in the comfort of the known and the practical.
What if I never pushed myself to play in church again or clown at local schools again or try new places to eat and visit? What if we all did what was “safe.”
What if I never decided to open a booth at an antique store…or make soap or learn how to can or garden or needlepoint or do embroidery?
What would life be if we pushed ourselves each year to do something amazing? Something new…something uncomfortable….what if we quit being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. I think I’m braver than I think I am…I’ve done hard things.
I’ve sat in a hospital room where a doctor just told me my husband just died….and I didn’t understand the words he was saying.
I’ve dealt with cancer and surgery and radiation and dreaming of the day when I can be done with this horrible drug called tamoxifen which I hate from every part of my being.
I’ve watched my parents disappear as dementia has taken them over and held their hands as they’ve laid dying. I’ve planned their funerals and delivered my Dad’s eulogy and the next week board a plane to go buy for the biggest buying show of the year…and on the flight home bawled silently as the plane went dark for the passengers to sleep. I have never welcomed the darkness more as I did on that flight home.
I’ve gone through bags of clothing to get my Mothers funeral clothes that the nursing home decided to throw in a bag not even a whole day after she passed and I’m bawling and alone as I’m trying to find her clothing.
I’ve sat on a driveway at 3 in the morning crying because my Mom just passed and I found out by a voicemail left for me by the funeral home.
I’ve known sadness, I’ve known betrayal and anger. I’ve been lied about, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been mistreated….bit each time I have gotten back up….I refuse to just give in and give up.
The one thing I haven’t done is truly embrace the good. I accept good but expect bad…I’m never surprised by bad things because I always am waiting for the left shoe to drop…
That isn’t how we are to live….I am trying….I will keep trying….
Count your blessings name them one by one. Count your many blessings see what God has done.
So here we go!
