The Reluctant Red Nose

Today as I was working on things from the couch….feeling sorry for myself really…and sick of feeling achy I started taking a look back at clowning.

I started clowning 18 years ago….with a newborn and three kids I had to take time off but I did it when I could. I was able to make a lot of new friends….

I even was able to be nominated as the 20 who Count in our little neck of the woods.

I have clowned for school carnivals, events, fund raisers, VBS, nursing homes….you name it….

I have taught many classes on clowning and even conducted our own graduations.

I am just not ready to be done…..

I think that’s why I’m frustrated….my body simply will not do what I need it to do…and I don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t know what it looks like…I don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t know how to ask for help or of no need help…I don’t know when I should push myself or if I should stop and rethink it….

I just honestly was not prepared and right now I feel that I am kind of in a free fall. I am unable to figure out the correct path for me to go….

It is causing great angst….

One way or the other I will figure it out. It doesn’t have to be today that I figure it out….I will just have to rethink how things are done and kept on moving.

My fight is different than most….as I walked down by the chemo room and turned right to go to Therapy….I realized….just because that wasn’t my fight doesn’t mean my fight isn’t hard…it just means it is different….

None of it is easy….fight on!

Today I feel like that person everyone avoids. The one who can’t say anything nice about anything. You can say the sun is so beautiful today and they would spout off how hot it is.

I woke up and took a shower and felt fine….drank my awesome coffee..then right when I was getting finished making my bed the worst achy and painful feeling came over my entire body. It literally feels like my insides are aching. I actually feel like a ran a 5K for the very first time in my life.

My OT worked on me for awhile told me my back and my hips and my spine were causing the disruption in my lymphatic system…and let me tell you my arm is feeling it.

I decided to listen to the ladies who also take this medicine and push through and then rest….I’ve been working on homemade bread today, made a chicken soup for the crockpot…and cleaned bathrooms. I then have decided to take a break by working on a transcript for end of year for my daughter that we homeschool and get all of that finished up so that in September we are ready to start her Junior year.

Setbacks are bound to come and I do know that….but I was feeling pretty good and hopeful that this medicine I have to be on for five years that we would get along….but now….I just do not know.

I feel bad for those who have had to listen to me whine today….

I know I put out to many negative statements into the world today….

I want to go make people smile and laugh….I do not want people to see me coming and run away because they are afraid of the complaining that will come from me….

And I think that’s why she’s my favorite character to do. I want to do all these things….I hate cancer so much…I am grateful that I no longer have cancer but all the treatments to keep it from coming back or that occurred during the course of treatment are making things hard.

I am trying to find things to focus on….

I will try to quit complaining….I need to find an outlet to yell into….

Today didn’t go my way….we will try again tomorrow!

Today was cool and rainy perfection. My body appreciated the cooler weather. My daughter and I did a pickup order at Target…and because I am scatterbrained, realized all the things we forgot to add to the order, so we had to go inside. We did pretty good and stuck to our list.

I had to pick up my “cancer never coming back medicine” which my insurance now pays completely for….I guess it’s cheaper than cancer coming back. Once again I was grateful to a pharmacist who caught the fact that I was going to be charged and should not be. Grateful that he was vigilant and made sure it was the same manufacturer so that I don’t have any more side effects…. I am grateful to those who look out for me.

My daughter and I got some t shirts and mascara kind of day with a side of cold brew coffee…..pick up at the library and some fresh flowers and we were ready for home to get lots of things complete.

I realize that there is nothing extraordinary about this day….but I choose to write down the things I’m thankful for: 1. Rain and cooler weather 2. Cozy sweatshirts 3. Hot green matcha 4. New mascara 5. Dolly Parton t shirt 6. Our store is busy 7. My crazy dogs. 8. Vigilant pharmacist 9. New phones with awesome cameras 10. Birds visiting my bird houses 11. Peanut butter and jelly 12. Strawberry flower vases

13. New candles 14. Making soap 15. Edible flower petals for bread

I turned off tik tok….I turned off the News….

Life is not guaranteed….go pick some flowers….and put them in a strawberry vase….I promise you will feel better!!!!

Yesterday was my first day back to the surgeon three months post op. He was pleased with my healing. I don’t have to have another mammogram until February because he doesn’t want a false positive and then I will see him on the following day.

I then headed to my eye doctor….my eyes have gotten worse so now I will have a fabulous new pair of bifocals 🥴

Today I went to my OT and my arm is not worse….but lymphedema hates summer and I completely agree. She told me to remain vigilant and that the sleeve must stay on. My arm aches most days right now and when I’ve overdone it in the heat it actually hurts…..

These things overwhelm me most days. I am not going to sit here and tell you what a warrior I am…because that would be a lie. I whine and I cry…then I put my big girl panties on…but usually not with the best spirit.

As I listened to my doctors and all the people that have had to help me get better….I was nothing but grateful.

You know when you travel somewhere far away….then you finally get to that destination and you run down to the ocean and you keep running until you are in the water….and that whole stupid trip was all the sudden worth it? The kid who kicked your seat…the rude flight attendant…the airline that lost your luggage? All worth it…that beautiful Cozumel water…worth it.

Cancer is like that…..it makes life sweeter….irritations not important. Stupid people don’t take priority. Fights and grudges not important….stuff….not important.

Cancer…..I will never stop fighting and hating you…but I refuse to let you win. Setbacks will come….this stupid sleeve will leave my arm someday. I won’t always have to be on Tamoxifen… you won’t always get the last word…that belongs to me.

Tonight I looked into my teenagers bedroom and she had her light on and was reading before bed…and I took a picture in my mind…saved it to a memory. Her wet, curly perfect hair with her glasses and sweet smile…her sweet disposition…and I just want her to stay there forever…safe…unspoiled….hasn’t learned the harsh realities of life….

Today, I was really missing my son….in a few weeks I will be able to hug him…there was once a day…he would run to my bed and shout Mommy and jump into bed. Now he towers over me…but he will always be my precious son…who taught me what true sacrifice really is.

The heat today is putting me on the struggle bus…I have struggled all day. Horrible headache and no dinner….the thought of food…gross. It could be my medicine….but I just felt all together crummy all day.

I look around at my house and my store and all the things that need to be done and I am overwhelmed. I wish I had my energy back to do them….

Routine seems to be lost as soon as we get a rhythm. I feel as soon as I finally get things really moving there is a huge interruption of life and I’m behind again. I remember when I at least made progress…now I feel my life is a giant game of Wac A mole.

Today….I wish I could tell you I was all about being strong and brave….but this chick is tired…

I want to get back into shape….I want to be fit again…but there is this part of me that just doesn’t want to get up again….

Tonight my husband could see the struggle is real…he told me not to give in….sms I held back tears….

Because that’s what I really want to do…..

My Dad is failing…..my kids are all growing up….a hobby that gives me joy I can’t do right now…and the only thing I do anymore is go to the doctor….

Case in point tomorrow I have three appointments!!!

I walk around with pill boxes and take vitamins to ride out the affects of the very medicine that will give me life. Then, in all the whining….in all of the self pity….poor me…..

Perspective…..I have lovely children, a growing business, a lovely husband…a house I adore…a camper, a car I love to drive, a community of crazy clowns I adore…friends. I am one of the lucky ones….today I am cranky and tired….but I am so lucky!

We are back from a four day camping trip….it was hot but beautiful

…

We were grateful for air at night….grateful for water hookups and grateful for electricity. We had absolutely no WiFi and it was good and bad….

Good because we could talk and relax…play games. And because we use our phones for reading and news and google and maps and all sorts of things…but it was nice to be able to unplug.

My lymphedema acted up due to the heat but not too bad…

Today I do not feel well. The medicine is working on my hormones so my cycle is cycling with a new vengeance I haven’t experienced since the age of 12. I slept for two hours today…and I needed it.

As I write this my living room and garage are littered with camping gear. We are trying to downsize our camping gear but so far we have only managed to make our house and our camper a disaster!

My father is having issues again…was found wandering the streets again this morning….

At church I started crying….thinking about how he was once again alone…grateful no one hit him…

I do not want to live in a world where he is no longer here….but I also don’t want him sad and confused and wish I could make him better….

This year has been unbelievably hard….and it seems to be the same for everyone I meet.

So for today….I am grateful for friends and lovely meals together. I am grateful for air conditioning. I am grateful for my children being safe…and I am grateful for my Dad…still with us.

I am hopeful tomorrow is a better day.

Today is the day….after joining a group of pink sisters taking tamoxifen I’ve decided to take it before bed. It seems that they do better with that so I will listen to those who have gone before me.

I know some of you ask how I’m doing….I don’t know…this has been such a crap year for so many people. I feel so many of us are hurting, so I feel the only fair place to talk about it is on here only because I feel that if you want to read it you can….if you are over it I get it.

Tomorrow I return to my OT for a lymphatic massage. Also, she does not want me out in the sun and getting super hot and sweaty. I have no idea how that task can be accomplished. I am not about to sit in the house and watch the world go by….

My daughter swims and I am going to be out. I will wear my hat and sunscreen and drink lots of water but I refuse to quit living.

Next week we go camping and again, I will use common sense but I am not about to hibernate.

Saturday was a hit….we had a huge community event for our store and we had a fabulous turnout.

The mayor gave a proclamation….

I was reminded by loving friends to stay out of the sun and keep drinking water….I admit….I am horrible at this….but I keep trying….

It is a life adjustment and I am failing to adjust properly…

I had to contact our children’s pastor to let him know I cannot clown at our carnival VBS because of lymphedema and the constant motion and how I overheat….I was mad…I hate cancer so much….I miss this funny character….

I had to buy compression socks for flying next month. I have about two, possibly three flights left this year and I had no idea how tamoxifen and lymphedema are affected.

Like most people I thought that once radiation was over we were good….but now my body still has to fight….

I am grateful that we have life saving medication and things that save our lives….I had no idea how hard that would be.

I will keep fighting….I will keep trying….and I will keep adjusting!!!

Let’s go!!!!

Today….felt good….and it’s been awhile.

There are battles and drama and trouble and fear and angst that all of us are going through. I think right now some of us feel that we will break.

Everywhere I turn someone is suffering. I have finally figured out that I am the person that absolutely “feels” all of that and it makes it hard for me sometimes. I don’t know where to put the sadness…

Today, I felt like finally…we were making progress. My OT informed me I can finally be free from the compression glove and while that may seem like the absolute smallest thing in the world…I was elated. I almost threw the glove in the air. The swelling in my arm has finally started to go down…not enough for the sleeve but definitely enough for the glove. She then went over how I am not supposed to get out and be outside when it is super hot. I must be hydrated and not get over heated. she was not happy that we have been taking long walks in the heat. She told me recovery from radiation takes about a year for your body to heal….and that would normally make me cry…but being able to get rid of that glove was golden.

My husband reaches over to hold my hand….and I have this glove….it points to everyone that there is a problem. That I am broken…

I get it dirty because I forget and start watering flowers, baking bread… cleaning the house….and I forget…🤦🏼‍♀️

Today, I felt like finally I got a point and cancer did not win today.

I know many are in the trenches right now…and I know you feel you are going under….keep holding on….the win will come. It may be little but it will come….

My Ellie is 17…..we had a lot going on this year….and it was a fight I did not feel like having….driving….I couldn’t wait…but Ellie wasn’t so sure.

She now has her drivers license but we are still practicing because she doesn’t feel quite confident yet….in two weeks she will be on her own as we have been driving every single day.

When my son was this age….I was a little nervous….a little sad…but it was freeing up so much time and I still had a little kid to take care of. Now, I am at the last one.

I won’t hear about lessons after they are done…how practices went…how classes went…soon there will only be grunting.

My car will be clean again and no longer have bags and water bottles from various activities.

I will once again be waiting in fear counting down the minutes until she is home…frantic again.

Growing kids is hard….you need to give them wings to fly….but it is so hard to push them from the nest.

This is the first step to her independence….and it is nail biting….

I still look at her like this….

Or even this….

When she was my little buddy….

I know that the last one hurts more than the others….just shows you how fast life moves…and how fragile it all is…

I am blessed and thankful….😘😘♥️♥️♥️♥️

Here we go….headed into her junior year…and I am well aware of the lightening speed in which it will go!!!

Horrible title I know….but right now it is how I feel…..ridiculously over dramatic.

Today I got a much needed massage. I always do deep tissue massage but since I now am the proud owner of lymphedema, my OT wants me to get a massage but basically wants my massage therapist to leave the left side alone. My left arm has been mad at me all week….I have been using it too much. I need to go slower but I haven’t. I feel I’m finally getting a little bit of myself back and recovering maybe from radiation.

After my lovely massage I went and got out 750 more invitations to an event our store is having….took me four hours. Then, I went to some businesses and gave them some flyers. Went home and made dinner and cleaned etc…passed out on the couch for maybe 20 minutes until the Louie barked at someone who dared to walk on the road in front of our house.

I’m exhausted in mind, body and soul. I know many of you feel the same. I feel this deep gloom…but at the same time a sense of calm? I cannot explain.

Cancer, my parents failing health, economy is stupidly right now, owning a business, new roof, kids and all that comes with that….and it has me wanting to get in a cool van and travel the country either my coffee mug and some EO…completely unrealistic….but it’s a nice dream.

My Dad is failing….and I live in denial. Last night I cried and cried because the reality of what is finally dawned on me…my time with him is coming to a close….and I am especially angry, because I haven’t heard him say my name in such a long time.

My dad….he fixed all the bad things….he really did. Leaky faucet…hole in the wall, broken heart, car broke down…need to borrow money…need tags for my car….he did it…

I guess that is what I hate the most about lasts….you never know it is your last….

I would love to sit down with him and tell him about my cancer and how scared I was. I would love to hear him say my name. I would like to tell him that he was a great Dad. I think I like camping because it reminds me of him. I like to sing silly songs…it reminds me of him. I am grateful to grow up in a time where big Buicks were what everyone drove. I remember laying on the back rear window ledge and singing as I looked up at the stars on our way home from church. I loved that we sometimes sang in the car and even though my Dad couldn’t sing he sure did try. I love how we would take rides to the woods on the tractor for him to chop wood and I would stack it. I love how that he loved my Mom even though she wasn’t always kind to him. I love how he could build anything. How he was always true to his word. How he never ever backed down. I inherited his bad temper…his tender heart where I feel everything. I inherited his sense of humor, his loyalty, his determination and his unbelievable strength to keep going…never surrender.

I had a good childhood….as you can see by my outfit I was left to my own devices..//but….

Still hoping and praying he says my name one more time….