The Reluctant Red Nose

We just got back from a camping trip….and it has taken us over a year to downsize what we take on a trip. Perhaps it was my teenage fear of always running out of things on school trips that started this must for overpacking…but it has taken over 40 years to calm it down.

40 years of carrying to much…heavy bags…no room for necessary things…and just exhausting and not being able to enjoy the moment…I must tell you….in the last year my travel suitcase has cut down dramatically. My husband has even noticed and it just makes everything so much smoother.

So this week at camp…we cleaned up in record time…we were not overwhelmed about where things were…and we just really enjoyed our small camper.

The weather was perfection….

So as I enjoyed my newfound minimalism….i looked at other things that I could do in my life…like what makes me have anxious thoughts and feelings….what overwhelms me? What steals my joy?

Christmas is my least favorite holiday, but why is that? I always loved it before I owned a retail store…and then I realized….decorating the store and my home and having a big party for the store…was too much….and how long was I going to do this!

When I turned 30 I started hosting the entire family….and now that I’m 51….I am tired….it is time for some other people to pay the dues….

So, this next week I will start going through my decor….and my house will still be beautiful but it will be so much more manageable….and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I want a bracelet with my Dad’s handwriting. I was looking through my hope chest almost frantically. If you did not receive a hope chest in the early 90s from Lane…then you will just need to google it…but it is what we all got at the age of 16. Now we give them cars….but back then…a wooden chest is what you needed to start out in life.

I apparently was a saver of all things …ribbons and medals and awards…and pieces of crepe paper and cards and all things that seemed like the most important earthly possessions I could ever possibly own.

I dug through old newspapers from my highschool which I glanced at my childish columns thinking g I was such an amazing writer…and read the judges scoring of my piano solos and speeches….they always make me smile….i wasn’t above average in much…but piano….I was good…not exceptional…but really quite good…and I was dramatic…but my speech teacher despised me. That’s another story for a day that will never come.

I ran across demerits that were given to me for talking….and one from my accounting teacher where he was so mad at me because I had everyone around me laughing that he checked every single box and sent me to the office. The principals wife called me in and asked me what in the world I had done to make this man give demerits when he had never done so in the history of ever. I admit….I wouldn’t want me as a student either….but even though I don’t fully remember the situation or the context of my sarcasm, I can tell you that sometimes the material just presents itself….and I am weak (to this day) to not answer.

Finally, I found the paper with the note that my Dad had left me….probably on the kitchen table …where he knew I would find it. He had left hours before me….and for some reason my 17 year old self knew to hold onto it. Dad rarely wrote us letters….Mom did all that….but when you got one….it was like the lottery.

This silly note reminds me of when all was right with the world. I knew no matter where I went in life…home would always be there waiting for me…and now…that home exists….but not for me.

Home….with the hum of Dad’s tractor as he mowed. The crunch of the walnuts and the complaining of my Dad that he just wants to cut down that tree. The sound of the water in the pool when the pump comes on. The smell of suntan lotion and the sight of hanging beach towels. I can hear the hissing of beans…oh how I hate beans…

Mom always in the garden….some grandchild dropping by…and me always always always begging for the air to be turned down.

I think that’s why I like camping….in a way….i turn back into this girl….

I had just sprained my ankle . I was riding on the front of a bike and I stuck my foot in the spindle…and caused a bit of a ruckus…my smile was that I was allowed to sit in the big lawn chair and be waited on…the pain…worth it.

Now, those are just memories….and the home I once thought would always be there just isn’t. There is no Mom and Dad to go visit….no ice tea to be poured…no plants to be given advice on…no late night ice cream binges with Dad…no more knowing I needed to go to bed when I heard Mash come on when Mom fell asleep after the evening news. It’s all a place I can only visit in my dreams.

Today I drove home with soft music playing….I see cute dogs walking with their owners, I enjoy the pink doors on houses, black and white shutters, and KC Chiefs decor. A new season is coming…fall….and I have never wanted a season to be here more.

Does it seem like life is going faster?

This past weekend my husband and I went away to celebrate our 21st anniversary.

We are desperate for quiet….we have not been able to go camping once this entire year because of….life….

The healing power your soul goes through when out in nature will never be something I take for granted.

We were meant to be quiet….we we’re meant for simple pleasures…we were meant to just be.

To sit in an egg chair and read a book….no to do lists….just read the book.

Finding painted rocks was a simple pleasure that made me smile….

I think it’s a heart ❤️

Then on our way home we stopped at….

But we will not forget our fave Airbnb in Mt Vernon MO

It is good to just be….

I returned from clown camp and found myself at the doctors office and then to the hospital for two separate ultrasounds….nothing huge just two cysts on my ovaries and my body is super mad at me for being a woman.

Having cancer previously, means that doctors run tests immediately and leave no stone unturned…I appreciate their thoroughness, but sometimes wish they would just chill….but that will never happen and I have to be grateful they care about me.

It’s been a thousand degrees and I keep thinking fall thoughts but the heat still marches on….

I went and visited my Mother today….each visit becomes more clear that she is not the woman who raised me anymore. Today she introduced me as her sister….her sister passed away a few days before my Dad died.

As I sat next to my Mother who could not remember what she had for lunch…let alone breakfast….I laughed to myself as I realized what life has become….the hats I wear and the battles I face….we all face.

The burden of having adult children who live far away. My last child getting ready to leave the nest and making sure she has all she needs. Such a tough two years for her…both of her parents had cancer and the only grandfather she knew passed away five days after her 18th birthday.

Having a business and being responsible for all the things…..life sometimes feels impossible.

Starting out at a new church…new friends….no longer playing in band.

Reinventing my clown character and getting ready to start that up again….maintaining the house….working out….hobbies of camping and gardening and just the everyday habits of cooking and cleaning and having dogs….the everyday struggles of laundry and dishes and keeping all the plates spinning…..and then all of the sudden….here comes dementia….here comes your Mom….no longer someone I recognize….and now it feels that I am alone….both of my parents are gone.

My Mother was a perfectionist….I don’t remember her really being funny…that was always my Dad😳😳😳but this I do remember….

My mother always made holidays special and Halloween was always a good one….

Christmas was of course my favorite….she always made my nieces and nephews and me something homemade….one year she made us all dogs….

This year I will have the manger scene that I loved as a child…:

Today, my Mother thought someone was my Dad that wasn’t and I made her mad when I told her that he wasn’t. In true Mother fashion she informed me my pants were too tight….and without missing a beat I replied….

There’s my Mom! Laughter is always the best option….

I choose to remember her how she was growing up….

Fantastic seamstress….holidays made special…always yelling at my Dad….always a bad cook…but our house was pretty…

And oh how I miss talking to my parents. More than I ever thought I would.

I am sitting in the Minneapolis airport where a fellow passenger just asked me if there was a “clown meeting.” Because she was seeing clown shirts everywhere. She asked me if it was fun…I told her it was a blast…but it was truly so much more. How do you even begin to explain….

Meeting the famous Earl Chaney

If you don’t know these names look them up.

My fabulous teacher for puppets….Karen Hoyer

She taught me so much and I was so happy to be under her leadership.

Julia a former Barnum and Bailey clown….

She instructed us in the ballet gag

Thankfully she said we didn’t have to wear these…just the tutus.

There was also the KenDucky Derby….

Of course you can’t have clown camp without a pie fight!

We also did a quick little skit during lunch!

We also did a clown show for over 300 people! I also got a whole new look this year!!!

Then it was time for graduation!

Love my clown family!

I keep saying to myself that I’m gonna ask my Dad something….then I realize that’s not possible. The shock of that reality still scares me..still stops me in my tracks..as if I’m still processing the grief…trying to understand what is..it still hits me hard.

My Dad was the first one to love me…he was the first to hold my hand. The first to cry with me when I got stitches….the first one to ask my opinion on things.

My Dad loved my long blonde hair. During his last days on this earth he would look at a picture of me when I was little and not knowing it was me he would show it to me talking about how cute she was.

When I told him it was me he looked at me and then the picture trying to make the connection…then he just smiled at me…and that was enough for me.

When I am at the home visiting my Mother she says she sees my Dad sitting on the porch…. She says she misses him so much. Maybe the sightings help her cope. I believe sometimes we can smell those who have gone before us…we can hear their laughter in the wind….

My first husband who went before me plays a song on streaming that only comes on when I am alone or my son is with me by himself…no one else in the car but the two of us.

Today….a butterfly followed me into the garage and then kept flying around me almost attacking me until I started laughing…..a friend gave me a butterfly as an reminder of my Dad and now I love butterflies.

This weekend at the jewelry show Pepsi was everywhere….and they will always be a wink to my Dad.

Right now the world feels lonely…and a little scarier. When my world fell apart he always knew what to do. I never had to carry anything heavy…he always took care of everything. He taught me to be tough but he also taught me how a woman should be treated.

My Dad loved my children and cried when he first met each one…he would always say the famous line “he/or she, is a keeper.” He would always smile…new life and babies were always a soft spot for my Dad.

To my Dads last days he would see imaginary children. My daughter was cutting cake one day and Dad wanted to know why she didn’t cut all the little kids surrounding us a piece. My daughter responded with no hesitation that the kids had to go home right now…and then and only then…would he eat cake..::everyone had to have a piece…even if they were imaginary.

I miss him but I am so happy he is whole again….

I hope you all have a Dad that loved you like mine did.

Lately, a healing in my soul has started coming…..

I felt it last night sitting around with new friends and laughing. I felt it when I looked at a picture on my phone of my Dad and didn’t cry. I felt it when I realized Dad could tell my first husband all the things our son Trey had accomplished. That Dad could tell him that I had made it….in spite of him…I was ok.

The healing started as I went to the garden and felt the wind and heard the wind chines….I felt the healing when I could finally raise my arms up without pain….and the aching of my body from cancer drugs was something that I am used to and how I am learning to push through the pain.

Last night in my dream I could hear my Dad….how excited he always was for the smallest things….this time it was an ice cold Pepsi and how he would say “oh yeah!” As he took a huge sip….how he would talk to you about anything…..and I k ow he’s doing that again in heaven….and I felt better.

The healing came as I kissed my Mothers cheek and she laughed….healing came when she said she sees Dad sit in the back porch of the nursing home….I didn’t argue….maybe that’s her way of dealing with grief….

I felt the healing come as I worked on embroidery….how I do not know….but stress leaves me….

I felt it when I was asked to clown and I said yes….because I haven’t been able to say yes in such a long time….

I have quit saying this year will be better….instead I take the moments of life that are simple….and move with that….

Flowers, cool breezes, vegetables I grew, strawberry jam, dogs that unconditionally love us…beautiful artwork, good books with pretty covers and purple pages….

The smell of lavender….in everything and everywhere….I cannot get enough.

Life is a battle….but hold on….it is beautiful….keep fighting….do not give in and give up.

Today I woke up with my patio table and chairs turned upside down and planters broken and trash cans scattered all down my driveway. I thought of Texas…and my heart was heavy once again.

So much grief is around me….it seems to be suffocating all of us. I keep asking myself when will the sun shine again? When will happiness return? When will we finally be able to relax and not wait for the next punch in the gut…and….there is no answer.

Lately….the joy is hard to find….but it can be found…keep looking….

It can be found in Baking something you’ve wanted to…..

When life is too big…keep going….keep looking for the little joys in life.

I’ve started a new tradition for myself on this road we call life. When I go to the nursing home to see my Mom I try to go in the morning. When I first walk in I say “Hi Momma.” I have never called her Momma except in my early childhood….but I know my time is short with my last parent on earth and I feel I must say it….even if it’s just for myself.

Today I helped her get dressed and at least no one had stolen her undergarments at night (this is a common theme she sings) she likes her new clothes with no buttons and great elastic…I must say that I’m becoming more fond of elastic myself these days.

My Ellie tried to paint with her today but instead Mom just wanted to watch Ellie. After Ellie had stayed and hugged her grandmother many times my Mom called me in a panic telling me that Ellie just left and never told her…. Which I knew was untrue.

She then called me and begged me to go get my Dad…she was desperate to see him….and this is when I want to scream to the heavens what I did to deserve not one but both parents suffering from this disease…

Everyone is talking about 4th of July celebrations but all I want is to read my books and do embroidery. I don’t need fireworks and crowds…I want to be alone. My heart and soul hurt…I am weary and I just have nothing left to give anymore.

Right now I just have enough love for those who have been my greatest supporters and I have no room for nonsense. I am just completely done.

Taking care of your elderly parents is so hard. You deal with horrible guilt….I feel like a game of dodgeball….everyday I try not to get out…

I am tired….but not the kind that you can get enough sleep from but the kind of tired that takes awhile to recover from. I have scars as many do…but lately the hits just don’t seem to be slowing down….

I remember when life was work and getting home and bathing my baby boy …making dinner and watching tv…all was well with the world to a certain level…and then….it wasn’t.

I remember always thinking what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. There is growing in this journey….I am almost up the mountain…I can almost see the top….I would hear terms like “refiners fire” …or even expressions like….”put your big girl panties on” but I would like to get off this ride is the mantra I’ve been saying….I no longer want to participate….0 Stars ….I do not recommend…..

Then I remember:

Life…..it’s worth fighting for.

As always, time makes things a little easier.

Mom is getting more used to her new home and really likes the people there. She is very lonely and sadly I can’t replace my Dad.

Today on the phone she asked me twice if I was Jamie….and I did not cry…but I wanted to.

My Mother brought me up under a very strict dress code. I went to a strict school and could not dance nor go to movies. I wasn’t allowed bikinis or to swim with boys…..

Now, I sit with my Mom and talk and I have tattoos…and she asked me once if it was permanent and hasn’t said another word about it since.

Dementia is a beast….humor is something you have to use…patience is important and frequent short visits are helpful to you and to the patient.

This week we are planning on some R@R and I’m so glad because I couldn’t keep going..

Stress is a real thing and even though it’s easier to keep going it’s not always better.

Missing Dad comes in waves….sometimes I forget…

When my Mom calls the caller ID still says Mom and Dad and I don’t plan on ever changing it.

Tomorrow I’m taking Mom a donut….like I used to bring Dad…..

I miss giving Dad gifts….no matter what it was he always made me feel like it was the best gift he ever got….he always made me feel seen.

I will be bringing mom a bird feeder …..I love watching birds now like she always did…maybe that can be something we can do….

Keep swimming my friends!