The Reluctant Red Nose

So many things going on right now….so much good!

First of all, for the first time in my life, the KC Chiefs are headed to the Super Bowl!

None of us know how to act…I’ve never actually watched the super Bowl, for anything besides the commercial…so this year…it’s all about balloons and serious decor and everyone is having a party…so it may just be the three of us…but we are going to celebrate!

Second thing…not as exciting…but it’s time for some Valentine decor!!!

This heart garland was made with air drying clay..put in the oven at 200 degrees for an hour….head to @vintageporch for a full tutorial.

Last but not least…I Made this banner with chalk and a white sharpie pen and craft paper. More people love it then hate it! I have it at my store.

And my home…/

Lots of soaps coming at ya in about two more weeks!

We are headed to Texas soon….never have spent too much time there so looking forward to that!

Have an awesome week!

Sometimes, there is truth and sometimes….that truth is hard to swallow.

I think there are times in life that we just need to take a backseat.  Just need to sit by the water…and listen to the babbling brook, or the rush of the sea.  We need to dive into different cultures.  We need to read a book, a magazine….and forget that we own cell phones.  We need to write or draw…make soap, or run…or do all of those things.

What makes life real and worth living…isn’t the amount of followers you have on all your social media….but that is something everyone that is reading this has heard before.

About three years ago, I had surgery for skin cancer.  What was supposed to be just a tiny set back…became apparent as I lay on the surgery table…that what was supposed to be a quick little set back….would set me back for a week…and it did…and it was horrible…but what made it horrible…was that I wasn’t prepared for it.  What was supposed to be just a quick procedure…became apparent that it was indeed a deeper incision than he thought it would be…but didn’t realize it until he was in there.  I thought that that night I would be attending my son’s basketball game.  Since I was just given a local, the doctor was able to tell me during surgery…that that indeed would NOT be what I would be doing….and I wouldn’t be doing much of anything for SEVERAL days.  As I’m literally under the knife at this point…I’m getting a little annoyed.  I don’t do well at surprises….and I’m not sure that there are too many that do.

Right now, I’m at the “resting” part….its been a long haul….and I’m ready to rest…recharge. The problem is….I’m really really horrible at it.  I feel guilty for sitting…I feel guilty for doing things just for me…but there are times in life…that that is what must be.

I need to travel….get away from my comfort zone.  I need to see how other people live…what foods they eat….what houses they live in….I need to explore.  I need to be out of my comfort zone.  I need to experience new things.  When we experience new things we realize just how very small we are in this huge world…and sometimes that is just what we need.  Sometimes, we get too big for our britches.  Sometimes, we think the world revolves around us….sometimes…our kids take us for granted….our staff does, and our animals and children do….and sometimes…people have to learn to do things without us. Sometimes…we need to remember what makes us uniquely us….and that can’t be learned in the noise…the chatter…the constant movement.

This year….I don’t want to talk about what mean things people have done to me, what lies they’ve told…I just want….to stick my feet in spring water….hike and explore…forget to check my phone…and laugh….I want to really laugh.  I want to get a sunburn so that all you see is my freckles again…I don’t want to spend another summer without swimming at all.

Sometimes, people read things that I write…and instead of reading the fact that I’m trying to push above all the lies and yuck…they say I’m bitter and angry…and if that is the case…then I’m a terrible writer…and shouldn’t be writing at all.

However, more people tell me that they are glad that I write what I write…and as long as I hear from those people….then I’m gonna keep writing.

I’ve decided this year that you can either take me or leave me.  You can either be for me…or you can be against me.  You can either say mean and cruel things about me and my husband….or you can speak truth.

I sat in my chair the other day…wondered why some people felt so strongly about me one way or the other…and I just felt that actually…I must be doing something right. If your not ever making waves….are you ever really living? If everyone likes you do you stand for everything? I don’t think you can stand for everything…you have to be against something.

So this year….I’m taking a backseat to all the drama….gonna enjoy the ride…the beauty of this crazy world…I’m gonna listen to nature…gonna take some amazing hikes….see the beauty of things that I’ve never seen before…and I will tell you all about my adventures as we go!

Happy New Year Everyone! It’s gonna be a good one!

 

 

 

What has this year taught me? Lots of things…some good and some bad. I’ve learned a lot about people…apparently, I offend people and don’t even realize it.

I was in church the Other day…and I started thinking about this. What does it mean when you seem to make so many people annoyed? I have come to a few conclusions. Usually, if everyone around me is unhappy…it’s because I’m in a bad mood and have sucked all the joy out of a room…I will not say that I have never been guilty of this…I will say…that I’m sure I have.

However, sometimes people don’t like you because they are jealous of you. They think they know you…they think that they have an inside track of your life and how easy you have it when they know absolutely nothing about you. They don’t see your struggle, your tears, your frustration…they just see you being strong and assume instead that your just this independent woman with nothing bothering you.

I wish to not repeat this year….It’s been the hardest one for me in twenty years. However, the hardest part is being silent about it…which I will continue to be…because it is a silent matter. It doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting, it doesn’t mean that I’m not sad and overwhelmed…it just means that I’m going through something and I feel that it’s important to tell people that.

Every January everyone makes this big list of what they are going to do…but by January 14th we all throw in the towel…I believe in realistic goals…if I said I was going to run 2 miles everyday…that goal would quickly die. However, if I told you that I’m gonna start running everyday for 15 minutes and then raise it to five minutes every week until I hit my goal…that’s a reasonable goal. If I tell you that I’m gonna eat avocados everyday for lunch but never have…that goal will die very quickly…but if you knew that’s what I’ve been trying to do everyday for about two months along with taking my vitamins…you might see that I have a chance with continuing that goal.

The same can be said for planning and overcrowded schedules. Last fall, I stopped a few things…then a few more…and now for spring…I’ve cut out even more…I’ve been evaluating, planning, changing. What do I want from life? What can I possibly achieve? What is pointless and what brings me joy? It’s been a long long haul…but a year later I believe I am starting to figure it out…and that’s what we have to do with goal setting and yearly planning…

Each day in my organizer…I have a list of what I want to accomplish for that day…and I usually cram it too full…but I’ve also learned that somethings can be pushed to another day…and the task still gets completed in a timely fashion. It’s not a pie in the sky goal…it’s written..it’s looked at…it’s completed.

I know that each year…we all say we are going to run a marathon…have arms we aren’t embarrassed to show…but instead of starting out small…like working up to a 5K we become very distracted and very disappointed early.

Last but not least…toxic relationships. We sit around and try to please people that continually tell us where we are failing…and yet, they never show up for us. Consider what you want from that relationship…then either have a conversation and tell them what you expect…or move on. I’m not saying “block them” from your life (unless completely necessary) but definitely explain. I have found that I’ve been wrong in assuming several things about people and then finding out I have egg all over my face..:still at my age…still.

Happy New Year! May this year your adventures be many…and your heart find happiness!

I have been home since Christmas….that means that for four days..:I’ve stayed at home. I’ve been napping and cleaning, planning and working…haven’t worn makeup since Friday…and now at 1 am…my body is confused.

For five weeks…we have gone non stop…and I have been on and in and talking and baking and cooking and all the things…and now…I just want to be quiet.

I have no desire to go see Christmas lights, or shopping. I don’t want to go to museums or out to eat…I don’t want to host anything at my home…or even go anywhere.

I pick up my organizer to plan…and I just can’t…I can’t ONE more thing. I have planned my business social media to September…and all promos…and even have planned a clown camp I’m conducting in the summer…but that is it.

My body and my soul knows that I need rest….but my brain just isn’t getting that message. I’m in the middle of planning business trips for the year and camping trips and hopefully a once in a lifetime trip…but instead of accomplishing it…I just am frozen…frozen with indecision.

My calendar isn’t full to bursting and I feel weird about it. My schedule isn’t consuming me and I feel that I’m late for something.

So this year…I’m committed to me…which sounds like the biggest load of actual crap.

And if I’m honest…..I believe that’s why we as women have such a hard time doing it…we feel like losers saying we need help…that our bodies are worn down.

Maybe just say that it’s ok to sit by your tree and just chill. That not all your Christmas decor needs to be down by December 26th. It’s ok if all the boxes your using have mismatched tops and they aren’t clear. It’s ok if the contents of the box don’t have a notecard on it to tell you what’s in the box (I confess, this once was me).

It’s ok to be so sick of Christmas music that your stomach almost heaves at the sound of it. It’s ok if your talked out, tired of wrapping, never wanted to see Christmas paper again…or ribbon. It’s ok if your tired of scheduling people and social media, and whiners of a contest you did…for free…for your community. It’s ok if your sick of being copied and taken advantage of. It’s ok if your tired of people not acknowledging your accomplishments…it’s ok.

Me personally? Tomorrow we have one last big family dinner after church tomorrow…so that means that after three days of not wearing any makeup …I will put on some makeup and drive my car and interact with people all day….and on Monday…I will stay in my house….because….I’m about done.

I used to not be able to understand this about myself…as an extrovert I should always be “on”….but I have found as an extrovert that we all wear out quickly…can be awkward in social situations…and we all seem to feel this overwhelming need to make people laugh.

I tell you this, because I don’t want messages from people asking if I’m ok…because I really truly am…but I am weary…weary of so so much.

Unlike everyone else….my exit is loud….so I feel that I need to announce it…

I’m NOT done clowning….I’m NOT done soapmaking or homeschooling or teaching clowning or any of the hats that I’ve always worn….but for a few months this year…the attention will be on my health…and on my child.

I have put other children first before my own child….and my physical health is so far back on the burner…it will take me awhile to get it back up to speed…

I say this with great intention…January 1st…is my first time back at physical exercise.:.I had started back with healthier eating and healthier cleaning supplies and will continue that…and I believe that once I have they accomplished that these aching feelings will leave and I will be able to do all the things that I once did.

I ask for your patience…and thank you in advance.

See ya soon!

I am sure that right now so many people are looking back at the year and seeing what worked and didn’t.

New Things we ventured upon:

Camping- We greatly enjoyed learning how to do this. When I was growing up, we always had a pop up camper…so this “tent” camping was completely new to me. We experimented with three different tents…and decided on one from Wal-Matt (believe it or not) that actually had LED lights at the top of the tent and three different settings. We learned about water proofing our tent…and that honestly, we are too old for the huge blow up mattresses and we are going to have to use the fold up cots. The other thing that I liked about the tent is that the poles were connected so that the tent could be set up in about two minutes. It’s much better to have everything easy to set up when your out in nature

The downfalls we ran into every single time was rain….no matter if we went in June, or July….or even August….we endured lightening and hail….and still….we enjoyed it….I realize that we are weird…but unless you are new here…you already knew that.

The second thing I did this year was a lot of clowning. I clowned at retirement homes and the local UCP and at Pivotal Point. I also conducted clown classes for our local homeschoolers and have even done some at our local Youth Alliance.

I also introduced a new character for our store which went around to other local businesses. It was fun…we had a good time doing it.

We ran a 5K….and I was horrible. I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I will now only run one that offers me a shiny medal….its a finishers medal…you only get one if you finish….,my training will begin again….on January 1st…I’m not sure that I’m thrilled….but I’ve gotten a little pudgy….and my cholesterol is borderline dangerous….but anyway…..

As far as rewards….my husband got his Graduate Gemologist diploma this year….so proud of how hard that he worked!

I’m still working on my little colored stones class….someday I will get there.

Our store won the best store in our town, for the fifth straight year in a row….so that felt pretty neat.

I was nominated for “20 Who Count” and was in our local paper and local news. If you read the last couple of blog posts you would see those.

Our youngest went to over night camp for the first time….and our college son received an RA position at a state university which has helped him greatly financially.

Our youngest enjoyed horse riding lessons and Art Camp and her beloved swim team. This year we went to a local swim team which worked out much better for us. She may even do year round swim team next year. We will see.

This New Year, we will be going on more adventures. Doing a little more self care…and just changing a few things that are sucking the life out of me. I can’t always be 110 percent for everyone….and it is beginning to affect my health…and my stress. I have one child that still lives at home….and I want to be able to do for her all the things that she needs….and I cannot do that if I’m doing everything for everyone else. That’s a very hard thing for me to do….but its clear to me now. I must work on fitness, and just doing some things that make my life full….and not everything else. I want to be able to do more….but now I just need to make sure that I take care of me….in order to take care of others…but I will be back…..2019….you were a serious difficult year….but we managed to make it through…..2020…hoping for you to be better….here’s to a much better year!!!!

The other day I noticed some things about myself I didn’t like…I don’t like the creases that are forming on my face and by my eyes when I smile. I’m not real fond of the neck that I have lately….but I also have absolutely no problem going to church and then work wearing this…..

I even had to wear it to Sams and then dig through the five pound briskets….until I found the one that I wanted….as I was leaving a lovely employee told me that my outfit was “stunning”….I could have hugged her. Something about being 45 years old and I feel that I don’t need permission anymore about what I wear, or what color my hair is….or what I drive.

My hair is dyed this color because my hair was turning gray…and I just didn’t want to battle it anymore…but I no longer look at myself that way.

At 45, I have earned the stretch marks that are on my stomach…due to the babies that my body was able to bring into this world. My hands have freckles and age spots on them and they have diapered babies, cleaned countless messes, and worked several jobs. My body has endured more than most, and I have come out stronger.

I have earned every wrinkle, scar, and gray hair. They are my battle scars.

You could not pay me enough money to go back to 25. I wouldn’t mind having that body again…but the inexperience and naive attitude…no thank you.

I have purple in my hair, and I drive a car that completely expresses my personality. My favorite color is blue…even though my car and hair are accented with purple…blue…blue is my favorite.

I’m not against tattoos…and if you know me you know the answer to whether or not I have one.

I like holes in my jeans…and yoga pants…sleeveless shirts with funny sayings and I adore huge and different jewelry. I love exploring new cultures and different foods…but this is new for me…this didn’t happen until my late 30s. Before that I was always safe safe safe. My dresses were navy, my hair normal and I drove a black Toyota Camry…but after 2002….my life was anything but normal…and I couldn’t fix it no matter how hard I tried.

My life may look like everything has gone wrong according to some. Our family is blended…our kids have different parents…I won’t explain myself…if you know me…you know the whole story.

I’ve become tired of people that spend their time talking about how they love Jesus..but they spend their time cutting off relationships with those who don’t measure up…or saying rude things to those who have the strength to stand up….the events have been so frequent…I’ve been wondering if perhaps it’s me:..perhaps I’m the problem.

I read nowhere in the Bible that Jesus sat around with the perfect people…in fact, if we really look at scripture…He only was with them when He was upset with them and rebuking them. His disciples were not treated well either.

I believe that Jesus didn’t start petitions. Nor did he gossip about others. He didn’t hold grudges. He didn’t lie about others..He didn’t look to see if someone had on leather leggings before deciding to speak with them. He didn’t honk his horn or wave his hands, or treat others rudely. He didn’t yell because someone was in His way…not did He get His message across by being obnoxious….and yet, those who raise their hands to Him on Sunday…refuse to help others on Monday. They are rude to those who are waiting tables just hours after raising their hands to Jesus…and then at same time…they wonder why our world is in the hurt that it is in.

I wish I could tell you that I’m always like Jesus…but I’m not. I get mad at people who have taken advantage of me and tell lies about me. I yell at those who cut in front of me…and I’ve even been known to roll my eyes at rude cashiers at Sams.

My favorite place to be? Honestly…it’s when I’m serving with those that don’t have cameras to take our pictures to share what amazing humans we are. It’s in the amazing woman I heard sing “Jesus loves the little children” in the middle of my city…in the middle of a circle of 100 kids who were hungry….that’s where Jesus was…that’s exactly where He was. He was in the kitchen where we made sandwiches for the kids who were hungry in our city. It was in the cleaning of an apartment for a new family that was able to get a second chance. It was in the quick drive by of gifts for a family that was going to have nothing for Christmas…or the single lady who needed a car…and one was given to her…that’s where Jesus was…and where He is.

The older I become…the more I realize…how little I need…and how much I need to give away.

I’m not saying to you that I’m selling my house and possessions and going to Africa…but each year…I do try to see what I can change in the next year.

At 45…..I’m happy to go on new adventures…and I’m hoping to have a back seat this year to even more amazing adventures. I’m grateful for all the opportunities that are coming my way….because in the end…Jesus sees it all anyway….the good…the bad….the ugly…:the beautiful. He sees the wrinkles, He knows all about the scars…those you can see and those that are hidden. He knows the hurt…the pain.::the agony of keeping it all in…and He knows that it is only temporary…this world is not our home…don’t get comfortable. We don’t have a long time here.

The day after Christmas….probably one of my favorite days after the crazy of this holiday season.

This year has been a tough one for us but Christmas this year was extra sweet. We first of all had a very good year at our store and we are very grateful and feeling very blessed. We never take that for granted and we so appreciate our community showing up.

The month of December always goes by in a huge hurry..:but I wanted to share a few things that I was very humbled by. First of all, I was chosen as one of the “20 Who Count” in our town and a video was put on by our local news…here’s a tiny video of it…

We were also greatly blessed by our staff this year and how hard they all worked…one of our best years ever with an amazing staff that worked very well together.

We had a wonderful Christmas with our children as they surprised us with a gift for helping us finally put a stamp in our passports. We will let you know what we decide…but it feels so good to be making g happy plans after such a very busy and stressful year.

We have some fun things to stay tuned for with our business and things we are doing…and our favorite business trip of the year will soon be here!!!

We are enjoying a few more days of Christmas Decor up since we haven’t really been able to enjoy it with being gone so much.

Here’s to 2020…..we can’t wait to start a new year…and put this one behind us!🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻😱

Today, I got up and got my hair done…which always takes forever…not because my awesome hair lady is slow…but because my hair…is always difficult…and apparently I’m five and impatient…and can’t wait for it to be done…I just hate sitting still.

I then went home…and promptly put on about five pounds of deodorant. I then went to our local newspaper where my picture was taken and then I had a video interview on my clowning for the last twelve years.

I was nominated by a friend of mine (I had no idea she did it) and was quite blown away….

I look forward to seeing what the young reporter puts together. He’s a graduate from a prominent university…about two years older I would guess from my son…as I sat there telling him about how it all started…I actually started tearing up…because it has been such an absolute pleasure to serve the beautiful people of my community…and I could never tell you in a single interview of how all these people have changed me. I hope that the questions he asked and the answers I gave showed all the things I wanted to say…but there is so much more to say…

We all have a job to do…not just the job that earns money to pay our bills…but a job to our fellow man. It may be packing sandwiches for “feed the kids.” It may be ringing the bells for Salvation Army. It may be making cookies and taking them to your neighbor. It may be visiting those from your church in the hospital, or coaching basketball for the youth. Whatever the job…we were all made to do something amazing. Something that no one else, has quite the talent that we have to make that job complete.

If your looking for the most talented clown…I’m probably not it. If your looking for the one that can juggle the best, or make the most amazing balloons…again…probably not it…but I will make you laugh…and I will keep learning new things to continue to be able to do that.

As for me…as for this recognition….I am humbled, grateful..in awe of it…and so appreciate the love of a friend.

I will not say that this year has been a good one…it has been a very trying year…but some amazing things have happened as well…

If your local and you happen to catch the story…know that I’m not as amazing as they make me sound…and if you read it in the paper…also know that I’m again…just a clown…trying my best to help a little bit of the hurt…in our very big hurting world. I am privileged to have a view behind my big red nose.

The last couple of outings that I have been on, I’ve had a chance to see some of my friends I don’t get to spend too much time with anymore…simply because we are all going in so many directions. The main complaint I keep hearing…is we are all soo weary.

Raising children is hard. Working from home or part time outside the home, or full time is hard. We make sacrifices no matter which way we choose.

The look on everyone’s face lately…is exhaustion. We long to connect with one another…to hug one another…to sit down to coffee…to chat about our annoyances…and know that those annoyances will go no where else…except for the ones that you personally told.

This year, I changed some things that would give me more peace…and it has been a balm to my weary soul…especially since we have experienced more this year than we wanted to.

However, this year has brought some amazing things…but it has taught me that you can’t buy peace…peace comes from laying down your burdens, your hurts, and becoming somewhat exposed. Saying to others that this is who you are…and if you don’t like it…well, I don’t know what to say.

Do you not find it refreshing when you meet someone who is genuinely real? Who even though they may dress nice, have nice jewelry…that they can make funny jokes…and be completely down to earth? I know those are MY personal favorite people.

I have met and talked to many people from all walks of life…and even though we all drive different cars and sleep in different luxurious beds…we all bleed the same, we all put our clothes on the same…we all hurt the same.

What holds all of us back? Fear…fear that our confidences will be shattered (because many have experienced that). Fear that someone will spread rumors about us, that it will hurt our kids…our business…our futures. We smile at one another…while others get behind their electronic screens and send hateful remarks…to those we are jealous of. We spread lies about one another…we laugh at each other’s misfortune. We snicker at another child’s failure…we have become downright hateful. We raise our daughters to be the same….walk around with an airing superiority, all the while…attending church whenever the doors are open…speaking of Christs love…but rarely really showing it.

We reach out to another and when rejected, declare that we are done…and write every female off that comes near us…because being alone and sad is better than being rejected…but we don’t look to see the explanation…we just assume…I’m guilty of this as well.

I can give you a list of all the mean things that have been said to me that I remember and the list would be very long…and I’m sure that there are many who would say the same of me….but that’s just it…in spite of my “ugliness” I have a God that loves me, that forgives me…and I believe that I have hurt a whole lot more than anyone else.

I want to show love and speak peace. I want to be practical in this…by writing notes each week to those who God lays on my heart…Instead of retreating back to the comfort and confines of my home….I feel the need to step out again…to be seen and be laughed at…to be who I was meant to be…funny, witty, and a peacemaker.

It’s so easy to see the bad in life…to get carried away by negativity…to focus on the hurt and pain that others have caused…but there is no peace in that…no peace for me lives there…so I have to change the ugly…forgive the hurt and insulting things and big lies…and be the peace and joy that He has asked me to be!

I saw you today at the grocery story…your daughter waved at mine…they knew each other. Before they waved, I saw you size me up…your disdainful look at me…I had on yoga pants and a “Mizzou Mom” shirt on…and yes it’s my fav.

What you didn’t know, is that I had just come from clowning for a local charity…and with no makeup on I wasn’t really that excited about going to the grocery store…but tomorrow is Fathers Day…and well…I had to get some things to celebrate.

I wanted to judge your disdainful look at me…but then I realized I do the same…in just about every aspect of my life.

When I was a single Mom, getting no assistance from my husband…I once decided to treat myself to a tanning session…I was met with displays of “oh that must be nice!” I never got my hair done, or my nails…hadn’t bought new clothes in two years…but that’s what people saw…there I was…tanning.

We all assume…assume so many things and we are so wrong.

People meet me and assume that I’ve never been through anything difficult in my life…but in fairness…how would you know?

Unless you grew up with me you don’t know about my teen years. I was a poor student, but played piano competitively. Cheered for one year…and then…they decided they were done with me. Went to a private college met my best friend, got married and had a beautiful baby boy…and that’s where I get off the train….

No need to bring everyone down the sad sad track of my life.

I remarried and four years later had my second child….and well, life just hasn’t been easy for us…and it really isn’t for anyone.

I’ve walked into the grocery store or a restaurant on a Sunday…in my nice jeans and sweater…fresh from church…but met with eyes of disdain for those who see my attire as not good enough.

There will always be people who think I should give more, or drive a better car. Volunteer more or teach my daughter better manners. In the dance community, I overheard a little girl asking her Mom why my daughters hair was so messy (my daughter was 5…had naturally thick and curly hair) and just didn’t care what happened to her hair while she danced…and with her being my fourth child…I just wasn’t going to stress about it, since we were going straight home to a bath.

Here’s the truth: I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum…it just was called rebellious😬😬😬. If you are loyal to me I will always be loyal to you. If you stab me in the back, I will never trust you again….but an even greater truth is…

I’m tired….I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine. I’m tired of pretending I’m strong. I’m tired of hurting, of picking up all the crap…I’m tired of all of it…

But before I list a huge onslaught of insults…I know I’ve looked at you the same. I’ve judged too harshly, made assumptions…drew conclusions that had no truth…but I was just convinced.

I’ve walked into peoples houses that I know that they have worked hard to decorate…and have stayed silent…no comment…good or bad…perhaps I was jealous.

I’ve eaten at peoples tables and offered no compliments. I’ve seen employees, stepdaughters, friends who have been dressed in their best outfits and having a great hair day…but was to tired to tell them.

I’ve been guilty of not writing the note that I knew my friend needed. I’ve been guilty of ignoring the text sent by a friend who knew I was struggling. I’ve been consumed with my own hurt to reach out to those who are ignored. I’ve been bitter and tired by a burden that I should not have to carry alone…but I do…and instead of just sharing those feelings I become depressed with the loneliness of it all.

I worry about my children and husband and business…that bad things will happen…like what happened before…that I don’t deserve any of it…that I’ve been bad and am unworthy of Gods blessings…does any of that make any sense?

All of those things are based on fear…and if there is anything I’ve learned this year…it’s to not fear like I should…but I still continue to be paralyzed by it…still.

Your hurt, the ugly words said behind your back…the lies…the gossip…someday…it will be dealt with.

The loneliness, the lack of friends, the lack of people you trust…He sees…He fights…He is enough.

That giant problem you can’t fix?? You can’t solve it? He will…and it will be amazing.